Imagination

(Image credit; By artist Dean Yeagle)


Some moons ago Boing Boing posted a link to this Flickr gallery featuring Soviet radio apparatuses.

They also posted a link to the online archive of the American eugenics movement. We like to censor our social attitudes at the time of WWII in retrospect, but I really think that in this case we could benefit from learning from it. Also, it strikes me as blatant propaganda to hide this ugly truth. Perhaps it is beneficial that the story is alien from us as it makes it all the more repulsive, but America is guilty and needs to answer for that. It is also beneficial to face the realities of a society where quote-unquote scientific enlightenment ruled, or rather, how easily "common sense" and misinterpretation/failure to take into account variables in/of models can turn into a destructive force. As someone who welcomes intellectuals as leaders this era has especially served as a cautionary tale: yes, in ideal form, this would not happen, but a lot of things work in ideal form and Joseph Stalin does not come to power, for example.

So I don't have a Wii, but the images for the new Steampunk "Epic Mickey" freak me out and make me want to. As long as they don't have that six-legged MechaMickey in there, because I would probably accidentally throw the controller through the screen when he turned up. This is probably the most blatantly psychological steampunk I have seen, filled with a landscape of broken childhood innocence. Imagine a post-apocalyptic fairy tale, or set in a formerly fairy land. I had a dream like that, where fairyland had been transformed into suburbia and it was my job as the leader to lead my people to wake the fairy queen. We had to escape guards at Disneyland and she was in a pond where houses and graffiti were encroaching; it was nevertheless a beautiful place, much like a lake I saw in Scotland. In fact, it probably was that lake in Scotland, a lake where we thought that an oil slick made the water shine from afar but was in fact a healthy and living beauty. I was the only woman, I made fire and water dance together for a couple's wedding and accidentally made it rain. But I am all about actual utopias(or as near as humans can get, or a civilization where everyone is enlightened and can fullfill their creative urges...something), so someone else will have to write the story.

Here is an interesting story from Wired on the economics of the Somalia pirates. Note: an average pirate makes seventeen times the income of a regular Somalian citizen.

You know, all of this buisness news is blending into "estimated this and that". I'm suprised economists haven't included into their own model the estimates of what reporting can do to stocks.



If you love stop-motion animation, you'll love this. It's seriously amazing.
(Credit: The PEN story, found via Boing Boing, is another amazing stop-motion video made as an ad by Olympus. They mention him as their inspiration in their credits. )

Honestly? I can't wait for Italy and England. My blood is boiling from the need to travel to Europe again. I've been having dreams about it, and finally I'm going. And yes, I am going to be posting while there, which will probably be my only contact with the outside world.

Cute(Edited 6:44 pm)

From left to right: Spot, The Brave One, Socks, and Dasha

"Mongol" is well worth seeing, though it contained some historical inaccuracies. The style of the editing felt very Mongolian from my little reading of The Secret History, and the movie had a certain poetry to it. The fight scenes are portrayed with adrenaline and brutality; the fighting is exciting but not glorified. The Mongols themselves are portrayed as "uncivilized"(insert long diatribe about civilization and our enculturation here) but living with their own code. I especially like the portrayal of Mongolian women and wish there were a few more American heroines like them. We have few records of The Great Khan's early life, which makes it strange upon speculation that it is not the topic of more imaginings. Also, I would like to mention something that Ilya said a long time ago, which is that Mongolian ponies are short and fat. The horses in this movie are big Hollywood studs.

Snuggles is becoming blinder every day. Also, he was going to pee on the mat when I picked him up and put him in the litter box, getting some on my foot in the process.

Yesterday my mom took me to the mall. Tired from all the shopping this week neither of us lasted long, and I soon escaped to the bookstore. I met a former physics major working as an engineer in the mathematics section.

At home we watched the aforementioned "Mongol" and "Mamma Mia", the latter thanks to my aunt Brenda who had recommended it to my mom. I promised to watch "Mamma Mia" with my mom if she watched "Mongol". The movie turned out to be exactly what I expected: a light, fluffy romantic comedy with lots of singing. The songs were integrated well into the plot. Also, things stopped making sense somewhere towards the end and the tone was slightly unfemenistic. All of a sudden the independent woman realizes that she's needed a man this entire time? Perhaps the best thing that happened was that after seeing Meryl Streep in "Doubt" my parents were very impressed with her acting range and are now fans. They are also starting to borrow good movies instead of sappy Bollywood flicks. My mom bought another Meryl Streep movie and is renting "The Reader". I did too, in fact, so I'll probably be writing about that later today. My parents actually had an argument about the conclusion of "Doubt" in the car.

I keep having dreams where I'm Buffy. Also in last night's dream was Chris, and it was a pleasant dream. I'm not implying something euphemistically there. It was just a nice dream, except for the werewolves and demon slaying.

So I'm going to keep up with summer vow #1, read real news. Stay tuned for more updates.

Edit 6:44pm:

The last entry brings up a point some people have nitpicked on. Do I consider myself beautiful? Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't, because how I look throughout the day can vary considerably. I don't necessarily consider myself beautiful in the way I want to be all the time, either. What I am sure about is that other people can find me attractive.

It's nice to be in La Jolla, since most of the harassment I experienced in LA has stopped. I have heard many a time stories about how beautiful women bemoaned the cat-calls after they were gone, but it's nice to be surrounded by so many other pretty girls. That way if someone takes a special interest in me, it probably has more to do with me than my face.

I fell down the stairs this morning after my mom told me to come quietly. The kittens were curled up on the lawn chair and I took the above picture of them. Clingy was with Gaiylee on the lawn. We bought a bunch of books in the UCSD student store and ate at the Indian place. Now I'm going to clean and watch "The Reader".

Waking up the Girl

I MUST HAVE THESE. Black Panthers used to be my favorite animal and still hold a competitive place.

I also want to see this film.
"In the film, a man's blow-up sex doll comes to life one day (as Bae Doo-na, the Korean actress, whom genre film fans will recognize from The Host and Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance.) She steps out, discovers the world, gets a job, and starts dating a video store clerk."

Here is a cool article written by a stay at home dad.

"As we step, or are forced, into the new roles that are presented to us, perhaps we should not lament, or vainly grasp at the responsibilities we feel we should have, but instead sack up and embrace the ones that are right in front of us.

At least that’s what I try to remind myself before I clean the bathroom and change the diaper genie."

In last night's dream I was in a play which turned into "reality". At first I was accused of being Anti-American because I said something criticizing an action of the US government. I remember coming home from rehearsals and talking to my next-door neighbor about how uncomfortable a dog playground our downstairs neighbor had bought made me feel because my window was now easily accessible from the ground for anyone somewhat agile. My neighbor, with whom I am in real life and in the dream on good terms with, snapped back that she thought I was being extremely rude, and I resolved to speak with my downstairs neighbors myself. Anyways, the play involved being in some sort of military project. The officer in charge, who's rank was never stated, despised me even though I was instrumental in the efforts of the troop. What I remember involved my being targeted as the culprit in some acts of vandalism to a brick terrace among other places, but though the rest of the troop objected to my conviction I was resolved to be thrown into disciplinary action and then jail to meet some rebels for unclear reasons. The troop, meanwhile, was captured by some rebels, but then a twist took place which made the officer-in-charge the actual villain. The troop actually sort of reminds me of the infantry in "Starship Troopers", come to think of it.

The next dream I had included my mom, dad, and imaginary relatives, one of whom was a female cousin whom I was excited to see. We went scuba-diving in a huge aquarium which reminded me of Mandalay Bay's exhibit and included a huge mechanical puffer and sting ray. For some reason I kept changing clothes, and I had a really dirty frilly blue undershirt and long, brown peasant skirt on with a knitted blue sweater. One of the imaginary male cousins criticized me for reasons I can't remember, but had something to do with changing clothes. Then the dream switched to a portrayal of an Iron-man type scientist who interacts with an undefined blob and gains the ability to transform into a blob himself. His assistant and best friend fears for his sanity, and finally finds him when he causes some bacteria to photophloresce(not sure if that's a word). I remember doubting the scientific validity of this plot point in the dream. The scientist is known as a brilliant but childish. He could, however, still conquer the city. He eventually accepts his assistant's help, and I end up at UCSD somehow, where there are a lot of parties taking place.

Title is a pun on Garbage-"Breaking up the Girl". Nope, has nothing to do with this entry.

Judge Not, Lest....

The second image is a scene from President Obama's visit to Merkel(credit to MICHAEL GOTTSCHALK/AFP/Getty Images) , the first persists from the beginning of the Iraq war to when I last visited England and was photographed by me(credit to me). I hope that when I visit England this time, it's gone. These are the signs that surrounded Parliment. It was jarring and disturbing to witness this protest first-hand, which has been there for a long time but goes nearly unreported in the USA. The uploaded picture is too small to see the signs saying "baby killers" and "Stop the genocide in Iraq" unless you click on it.

I am the strongest physically right now that I have ever been in my life. It's a good feeling to be able to do small things like carry groceries and bottles of juice home without relying on another person.

Astronomy, how I loved you and how I've neglected you. One day I will return, but for now I have to explore other subjects. Wouldn't that make a great nerdy metaphor? "Explore other subjects."

Is it just me, or has Livescience gone downhill?

The dream I woke up from(I know some of you may not enjoy these, and feel free to skip) was about moving to a video-gamish Albania, to the supposed house where Dracula still lived. A girl had survived for the entire day by staying silent, and it was my family's turn, for some reason. We tried to stay still and not create noise, but some of us were less disciplined than others. But even after all the ruckus, the bat had yet to show itself, though there was no daylight through the clouds to dust it if it did. Then for some reason it was Alaska and this was actually an appartment. Giles was there and we were trying to figure out a curse that had kidnapped Snuggles. We had four dogs and three cats, all besides Snuggles being left over from the previous owner, who stated that if she didn't know better the native bats would scare the bejesus out of her. Also, there was an aside about..turning docks into stables. I woke up before things could make more sense.

I am too tired to really do much tonight.

I live in fear of people to whom I'm just an expression of an opinion. I remember a friend of mine who is now openly bi asking me in high school what I thought about bi people. I said "Well, gay people are fine, but bi people are a little excessive". No mention of sexual fluidity and the fact that it is quite common, no mention of a scale, nothing. Just "bi people are a little excessive". Unfamiliar with what caused people to love in that way, I attributed it to wantoness, hedonism of spirit.

But some people don't come to understand how wrong judgments like this are. One characteristic can define one person to another. One attribute callously dashed off in a ten second judgment with no real understanding can lead to a lack of understanding, a lack of cause, a lack of acceptance.

I fear these people, the ones who say that gays choose, mental illnesses don't exist, and other wonderful things. They are so horribly close to touching me.

"Judge not, lest ye be judged..." But we're all judging each other and being judged. All of us hate it.

Writing this helps me remember that these people must be treated like people in themselves, and dealt with one at a time. That a life should not be lived in fear. These people will not win by being a great weight I carry along my back all the time that harries me constantly. I am not even in battle with them, because the air I breathe, the earth, the mind, space, are at least for now beyond their ultimate reach.

That was sort of cryptic, but it made me feel better!

Straight Up

I past my first independent credit check today.

I miss Chris and I's relationship, though what I'm missing is sort of an idealized version created by letting go of bad memories and annoyances. So I don't know what to call what I'm actually feeling right now. Marisa-wants-to-live-in-an-idealized world syndrome? Marisa had a dream last night where she met Chris and Artur and then had psychic powers and rained fire and lightning down on her enemies but the enemies still won, so she had to eat orc meat and sing the country, which contained Mallorn trees, back to life? Marisa is letting go of the idea of any significant other being present in her life for the time being? Speaking of the dream, I was with Buffy and Chris and Artur were dressed up for Halloween. Buffy and I were trying to evade an attack from Spike, but then we got pushed into this other world and were using magic seeds on the ground in a woodland area for protection, but the woodland animals who were supposed to be defending us decided to eat some, so the army of spiders got through. I was helpless, except I developed psychic powers which I wasn't sure were working, but worked.

Part of the problem is that I know what it's like to be truly alone, a state which is extremely unpleasant, to say the least. I don't want to ever experience that again. But I don't think I ever will have to, for a variety of reasons, one of which being that I have these people called friends. I think I would have done better in a time period where friendship was regarded more seriously, except for the sexism and racism and the fact that I probably would not have survived being born prematurely.

It's strange to suddenly be at a different stage in life. Suddenly wedding dresses and a shared house are things of the distant future, instead of realities happening in the course of the next few years. If they even happen at all, though I also thought I would be someone who reached twenty without ever being in a relationship or even kissed. In other news, my first kiss sucked.
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I was in third grade, and taking a class at John Robert Powers. "Stand up straight against the wall!" said the teacher. I tried to stand up straight against the wall, but failed, as I knew I would. My back didn't line up properly with it the way that it should have.

"You have the most sensitive back I have ever treated", said my chiropractor in eight grade after I had sprained my back.

"I always wondered why you veered off when you were walking. It's because you're crooked! Here..." Alex Jacobson, my flute section leader, tried to adjust my posture. "OW!" I ejaculated, tearing away. All the other flutists laughed, and I tried to laugh too, but it wasn't funny. I knew that had no idea what it felt like, and I still feel no grudge against them for their reaction. This was in tenth grade.

"Wow. This is a lot of tension. Was this caused by trauma?" Andy, who was filling in as my physical therapist last Friday and is not to be confused with Andy from the lab. I wish my physical therapists could simply massage my knots away all at once, but after the pain I've gone through from being overenthusiastic, I'm quite clear on why they don't. I don't want to end up in the hospital in shock.

"You have to be able to bend that way. Everyone is able to bend that way." I've heard this countless times throughout my life.

Today, this morning, I can stand up straight. I feel so happy and blessed for that simple gift. People are born with much harsher circumstances than mine, and I can't look at pictures of people with severe back problems. After what I have gone through, and I look like I have a normal back, what must these people feel every day? If the pain were just a bit sharper, I would need medication to keep it under control. My arms are horribly sore, and I spent a lot of time massaging out knots in addition to exercise and appointments, but I can stand up straight. It feels good to be rewarded for all of this effort, though my physical therapist and my mom's insurance played a crucial part in helping me. I have a while yet to go, but straight! Me! Happy!

Another Dream Post

What I remember from the beginning of this dream involved swimming in a pool which in retrospect seems more like a lake. I was at the shallow end of it, and there was a school of Dario dario(pictured above, I have two of these and the males do not school) which I was observing. A bass came out, which I was afraid would eat them and the larvae at the bottom which was going through metamorphosis to become a kitten, but then the pool started to rock and threw me into the deep end. I got out just in time and watched from some high ground as the swells in the pool raged. I also saw red squirrels, which made no sense, as red squirrels are endangered and native to the eastern USA( at least in the dream), and also spotted a bunch of nerite snails(one species pictured right, I own three Clithon corona). Later on I was with a friend who was talking to an expert, who said that all the interbreeding and introduced species had created an interesting mix of species.
Later I was with Geringher, my high school band teacher, and we were going to a dance/clubbing as an event for the band. I wore khaki pants and a black t-shirt, but all the other girls were wearing nice dresses. I felt under-dressed for a second then shrugged it off, as I wasn't exactly planning to dance or meet romantic interests. The "dance" turned out to be a huge Imax movie theatre. I was going to sit with Ilya, but for some reason which may or may not have had something to do with Dr. Kleinfeld he got from me separated from me and sat at the front of the movie theater. Some cuts from the dream later showed him getting very angry with someone regarding an experiment, even though I've never seen him angry in real life. I was sitting in the very back row and got joined by my former Noho classmate Jin, whom I haven't seen in real life for about four years. Jin and I used to sit together in Spanish with another former classmate, Cherise, and rant about the teacher, Mr. Corcos, who is probably the worst teacher I have encountered to date. Jin was a nice guy.
I was somewhat relieved to be sitting with him, though he proceeded to talk really loudly to me. The first time he received a hushing, and the second time the presentation(which was taking place instead of a movie-I think it was being given by Andy) stopped and everyone glared at him for a few seconds. He then started forcing kisses on me and asked me out on a date. I said no; he asked me why not, and I said that it just wasn't the right time. He was being very forceful and had dragged me into a hug-headlock. He said something with gist that either a date works or it doesn't, and what was the harm in trying? That actually registered with me when he was called out by Gehringer, whom had targeted both of us this time. Jin admitted what he was doing, and I walked down the stairs with two nameless, large guys as body guards. I think I was wearing a white dress and was shaken up but composed and still centered, though I couldn't look Ilya in the eye. Gehringer then talked to me and blamed me partially for being a tease or something. I was shocked and angry.

My next dream involved being at a party for a new TV show, although the TV show was going on at the same time as the party. The show starred Will Arnett, Jason Bateman and Portia de Rossi, with Mike Hurwitz producing, and we thought one of the beginning songs was stolen from "Arrested Development", though I disproved that. This was set at the beach. I was also at the same time hunting through the backyard for kittens. I managed to pick one of the kittens up and Gaiylee was actually very friendly, simply meowing for her baby back. I proudly showed this to my mother.

Noticing some themes here? These dreams aren't telling me to date. They are, in fact, tests, though I feel more social today. I've realized that I am sort of going through some metamorphosis of my own, and the anti-social tendencies are like a cocoon I'm spinning around myself. Also, I really want to swim again, though for the past few days it has been cold and foggy. I caught two colds and got my first bee sting from that pool, so I am also a bit wary of going back in. I guess I could use UCSD's rec center, but then people will laugh at my horrible form. Scoliosis makes it harder to swim, due to my extra weakness on one side. These dreams are actually sort of fulfilling my need for outdoorsy and animal stuff.

I Want All My Posts to Have Titles

I forgot to comment on how I made up the word "Homerican" in my post the day before yesterday. I know you all laughed at me because I certainly laughed at me. I wonder what the word could define?

I've been experiencing a weird rash of anti-social tendencies. I start conversations then walk away from the computer and have been avoiding people. Part of this is related to the fact that online environments don't particularly meet my social needs anymore. I used to be a large fan, but no longer. This isn't to say that I want to stop talking to my friends on the computer, cause I love you guys and gals..girls...women...people. But I also don't feel like going out and making new friends. Maybe I'll go out tonight, because I have a feeling this is unhealthy. I don't know, surface socialization also isn't doing it for me. I want a deep and interesting discussion.

I had a series of interesting dreams last night. One was about a gonzo reporter working for a generic large company which is about to crash. He works his way up through the ranks, filled with people on drugs with no morals, and gets to the second in command, who's name I can't remember. High on various cocktails, he screams that the President of the company, Ted, was always good at the food business, making something out of starch, and the company was a huge lie waiting to crash. He then asks if the reporter was going to kill him, and the reporter tells him no, but he is going to turn him in, to which the second-in-command replies that if the jury kills him the reporter will have killed him. The reporter suddenly has a change of heart and says that what the jury does is not his fault, but if the reporter makes the second-in-command look like a hero then the jury will be less likely to give him life in prison. The dream ended there. Also, people on drugs looked sort of like the painting, "The Rape of.." I can't remember the Rape of what. Anyways, I blame seeing the cover of "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" yesterday for this dream. Hunter S. Thompson apparently ripped out pages of his journal and sent them back to his sports writer boss, who had them published. I think that was also on Cracked.

I had another dream where my parents bought me a house. We were moving things through it and I screamed at my mom to stop listening to Pink's new song "So What" because it reminded me of the end of my relationship with Chris, which made me look like an ass in front of the movers. Anyways, next door was a rich millionaire kid who was 18 and had taken an interest in me. He had a party and invited me over, where we did puzzles and swam in his extremely large pool. The water was the perfect temperature and I skimmed through it with great ease. He obviously *liked* me, kept complimenting me, and wanted me to join his group of extremely tight friends who reminded me of Chelsea's group, with tons of in-jokes and such. I was having a dilemma, because(and this is true in real life) there is only one person I would want to go out with right now, and if he expressed interest I would not want to be tied up in a relationship which I didn't even really want, even though he already turned me down for a date. To clarify, because I think that gives it away, I'm not expecting anything and would be happy with simply friendship from this person, and I am not a big fan of being in a relationship simply to be in a relationship. The boy and were having a play fight after he had invited me over to swim with him for two days, but I decided to leave because of it for real. Even though I was wondering about my decision, the two friends(not real life friends) whom I had come with said that I had made the right choice, as the group expected too much of a time commitment, and one said, "I'm not an everlasting fountain of wit". The boy confronted me and called me a spoiled brat , and I said that was actually what he was, with the amount of time he had to fool around. He left, hurt, and I was sad for the loss of a friend but somewhat relieved that the choice had been made for me. Then my parents and I were finishing setting up my fish room, and I was looking on Ebay for a python to use with the 55 gallon tank.

Though the activities bear a superficial resemblance to things I did with Chris, this boy did not represent anybody I know, though he resembled Dustin. This is strange, because I only ever knew Dustin peripherally, and haven't thought about him..ever.

Also, there was something about being trapped in a museum looking for artifacts with my dad and having to go through the various cultures while body guards and booby traps came to life.

Beached

My day started at 3:13am this morning when my mom and dad brought Snuggles home from the vet. Apparently his tests came back with normal results, and the cause of his illness was speculated to be either his teeth or a hairball. One of his teeth needs to be pulled and he, as we suspected, has cataracts. Both of these will be attended to by the regular vet on Tuesday or Weds. The emergency vet gave him a solution of electrolytes and stressed that he needed to eat every day for now, but once he was healthy again he had to go on a program of diet and fitness to reduce his weight. The message has finally gotten through to my mom, and I look forward to a new, healthier Snuggles.

I then had a dream about Chris and I trying to get back together and how miserably the attempt failed.

After watching the kittens prance and pounce in the backyard and petting Snuggles goodbye, we headed off to San Diego. Mom kept going over how mellow Snuggles had been at the vet last night. They also were talking about how proud they were of what Christopher has been accomplishing, and, when they thought I was asleep, me. At Petsmart there was a large black cat named Snuggles who looked and acted a bit like him. Dad half-seriously suggested that we take him home.

After they left I browsed the internet for a few minutes and then started out for Black's Beach(Torrey Pines). Andy had invited me to bbq-and-ultimate-frisbee-get-together-thing. The directions I got were shoddy, however, and I ended up getting off the bus early against my better judgment. This was my first time at Black's that didn't involve someone else driving me.

Crazy screaming lady is back again. I can hear her rattling cans.

After getting off the bus I started stubbornly walking in the direction I thought the beach was in. In my olden days I would not have had the gall to simply wander in a direction without giving up and going home. Literature champions large decisions which "show your true character"; less popular are all the little choices showing how your character interacts with everyday life in situations which might seem much bigger than they are when they are taking place. I ended up going through the Salk Institute and witnessing a silent panoramic view by myself in a rare moment of peace. After reaching the site where the handgliders launch , I finally got on the trail to Black's.

I didn't even know I had such a harrowing fear of heights until this one particular spot in the path which looked like a smooth downward curve with no handholds. Usually I throw dignity to the winds when hiking and, if necessary, start using both hands and feet. I started fearfully inching down, wondering if the traction of my sandals would hold me, when a couple came up behind me.
"Scared?" asked the man
"Yes."
"Join us!"
With their moral boost I did not slip and die, although not looking down helped a whole lot. We talked for a little while and I called Andy, who said that at this point I should keep walking south as I was probably on the wrong side of the beach. I was unconcerned, for while at that point I had walked about a mile I was on the beach and enjoying myself. Except for all the naked men-did I mention that Black's is a nudist beach? I saw more *insert your favorite name here* today than I ever wanted to in a lifetime. I figured that I would walk to the main entrance of Torrey Pines and take the bus from there if I couldn't find Andy at that point. And that's how I ended up taking a three-or-more mile stroll on the beach today, which probably added a few years to my lifespan. For part of the walk I was completely alone. There are so many thoughts seething in the water, though none probably as beautiful or as edifying as the clear waves themselves in the here and now. My thoughts wandered, and for a little while I struggled between holding on to the moments and living them. I'm terrified of the day that words will only bring back dying embers of past experiences, but I would rather have lived those fully than spend them remembering the details to write down. Everything from crabs to Chris; making all the little unconscious corners let go of him. They say that the death of a relationship is mourned like the death of a person. For me this was not true; it was a moment in time with both good and bad memories, all of which are over; we touched and then parted. With a person, the person is over, usually for no clear reason other than what we in our puniness can metaphysically attribute.

I had to climb a large rock to get to the other side of the beach. A stranger held my hand for a moment so that I wouldn't fall, though I navigated it surprisingly well on my own. My bag wasn't even there. I dislike handbags, as they feel like a sexist weight which hampers physical activity and fitness. I can't just keep my wallet, keys, and phone in my pants or they would fall down. Speaking of which, this entire time I was wearing shorts and a thin t-shirt over my swimsuit and not freezing to death. I once read that symbolically cold is attributed to individualism, climbing a mountain. Perhaps minute adjustments have been made in my constitution because of my mental state. I personified nature and wondered if the colors and shapes of the cliffs had some deeper, hidden meaning.

Anyways, there is too much to write. I got on the bus and came home with sandy feet, although physical limitations took over and I became numb while walking to my apartment. There will be more opportunities to go out and meet new people(at least I hope), and I had a great Memorial day.

Zombies, Witches, and Dragons

Last night I dreamed that zombies had invaded the town. Not the usual movie or video game zombies, but zombies as strong, smart, and fast as a decayed human being actually would be: not at all. The part of the dream that I can remember involved my playing video games in a house with Dr. Hodgins from "Bones" in a game where we killed vampires and demons in 8-bit or worse graphics except when when the game transitioned to certain cut scenes. For some reason I was very good at the game and button-smashing was allowing me to win, but Hodgins was struggling. All the other humans had gone to safety shelters like churches or other public buildings which had at this point probably been sealed off. For the most part we were actually very safe as the zombies outside the open window had not noticed us at all. I went downstairs in what was originally a one-story house to check the door which turned out to be unlocked and my surroundings suddenly transitioned into my house in LA. My family had come home, although they didn't look like my family. Apparently the zombie threat was over and everyone had been released. My mom had even brought a zombified Snuggles home who was trying to bite everyone in vain. My dad, whom at this point turned into someone very similar to Castle, went to a local police meeting trying to find the cause of the zombie outbreak, and I went with him. There was a cutscene in my dream explaining that the outbreak had started with an old man who attempted to strangle his doctors and then fell dead ten seconds later. Later on I was at home alone with my mom, whom my meta-dream self suspected something of something. My meta-dream self also knew the zombie outbreak was not over. My mom started talking and then screaming about how she was already dead and her face started transforming. Then I woke up and started being extremely suspicious of how dark it was outside.

Since I fell asleep at 2:00am and woke up at around 4:28am I was not well rested at all and no amount of sudden fear of zombies was going to keep me awake. I rolled over and dreamed about a powerful sorceress who was trying to take over the world while I was working with a guy, some sort of powerful guru, who was attempting to stop her. Our band had a showdown with her in what looked like a public bathroom where we crystallized her and then threw acid on the crystals. Then I started writing a book in my head and there was a waterfall and some dragons.

Needless to say, I don't feel very well rested today.

Old Times

I had a weird dream last night where Jasmine(who went to MIT) and Ethan(who went to Princeton), both of whom I haven't spoken to in three or four years, came to work in Dr Kleinfeld's lab along with an influx of other undergraduates. I had to deal with people like my annoying physics lab TA's from last semester constantly shepherding me off. Also, there was a problem with what looked like a double derivative but apparently it wasn't a double derivative in what was apparently take home homework from the lab dealing with differential equations.

Anyways, if that wasn't strange enough for you, Julian came to work in my lab as a graduate. This was not a pleasant shock for me. In the dream I remember commiserating to my parents, of all people, that as a former undergraduate aeronautics engineer major it didn't even make sense that he would come here to work.

In real life, as in the dream, that would be horrifically awkward. The last time I saw Julian was at a 761 bus stop by UCLA. When he spotted me a smug grin lit up his entire face which changed into a "WTF" expression when it became clear I was with Chris. Anyways, that last encounter is the main reason I would never want to be in close proximity for prolonged periods of time with him- that, and the couple of other times we were at the bus stop together when I was Chris-less when the same thing happened. I could forget and forgive everything that happened in the past and interact with him as a polite and courteous human being if he just did not act like an *censored*.

Thinking about Julian made me think about Eugene, who's last name I will not put up here for the sake of his privacy. At first it was Eugene I had a crush on, a nice guy who gave me his sweater to keep at one point. I wonder whatever happened to that sweater? Thinking about it that doesn't seem like something that someone only interested in you as a friend would do, but that's all useless and pointless speculation now. He turned into a good, if not a close, friend whom I had no feelings for whatsoever, in response to your queries. So I went on Facebook to see how he was doing, but he has apparently deleted his page.

In a strange way that probably means he is gone from my life more or less forever. I like the dangling thread that Facebook provides, although I know others feel differently. I've had some great people in my life whom I barely talk to anymore but are still connected to me, albeit very loosely. If I ever wanted to rekindle a friendship with someone all it could take is something as simple as a Facebook message. It's strangely saddening to have take taken away, to know that someone whom you could have shared a strong bond of friendship has passed from your life, and the window of opportunity there is probably permanently closed.

Maybe I could run into him in Tarzana?

Aliens, Egyptians, and Opera

Last night I dreamed many dreams, one of which involved aliens coming to earth while I was part of a government agency based in an old Egyptian temple. These aliens actually did come in peace, despite the fact that the government tried to shoot them several times and failed to injure them. Apparently, since people on earth had started to believe in them, they had come back, and the only thing which could hurt them was the valuable metal tied to sacrifice: gold. Naturally, the government agency then used gold weapons to subdue several aliens so that they could be taken in for questioning and autopsy. But since the aliens had come back, an old Hindu god of sloth and drinking woke up in the basement and started shooting fireballs everywhere. I was with a little boy and we had a book to identify him which we hastily flipped through after another boy fell on the god and was eaten. Anyways, after the god person took down a bunch of troops and started converting people to his side, the army commander and I lured him into the river which ran through the bottom of the temple which was supposed to purify all things. This would get rid of the god for a few thousand years. Then there was a dream where I was supposed to go to the opera but my dad gave me the wrong impression and I didn't fit the dress code in a short blue dress and it looked like I couldn't go but then I did anyways and a guy tried to get me to buy magic tricks because everyone thought I was about twelve.

Anyways. You know what drives me nuts? When people consistently attempt to push their boundaries. This also inspires me to constantly try to push their boundaries. I had more to say, but I forgot. The yoga really did help me, FYI.

I will join Twitter if you give me your Twitter names to follow you.

Tonight's Dream: Vampires!

It was very hard to keep up with the temporality in this dream.
So there is a bunch of stuff which cames before this, but basically a powerful vampire and I are locked in a struggle for some really powerful things which could influence the fate of the world. In the final battle against him at his castle, which is all in grey, red, black and sepia tones and blurred in an artsy manner, I am mortally wounded and have to drink from the phylactery of blood, a small stone Gothic fountain with a grosteque gargoyle dragon leaking blood from just behind its eyes which completley heals the drinker but turns them into a vampire. Basically, a scene from right before the confrontation shows me how to kill him, and I have to stab open his chest with a stake and his heart comes out, which is this ashen grey shape with a an evil face, and this music that sounds like the slow beating of a heart plays when I kill him. So I then have to kill his assistant, who is my brother(not my actual brother) whom he stole and made into his slave, since he's the last vampire besides myself("There is still one more"). He realizes what I need to do and lets me, but seeing him burst into dust is completely heartbreaking, and we reach out our hands to each other.
So apparently this was actually a movie I was shooting as the main character. I ask the director about what was going on, since we had basically shot a series of action scenes with little to no plot, and called it "video game fodder." He says that I'm right, and that this would have been original a few months ago, except that people since then have published artwork and story in the same style as the film was supposed to be, which he names. I suggest actually turning it a video game, and he thinks this is a good idea.
I have no idea how this happened, but I am in the castle as the second most powerful vampire. Being a vampire had given me fangs, the ability to drink blood, superstrength and immortality, but I am still cognitively myself and don't have to drink blood. A group of tribal people have settled in the green countryside surrounding the castle under our protection. Life fastfowards to the modern day and suburbia and logging threaten the bay of the island we are living in. We kidnap the mayor of the nearby town and make him promise not to encroach on it.
We're in the castle again, which outside is obsidian and inside is black and white, and bombs blow up part of the first level in a shower of Roman columns. Miners have come, disobeying the mayor. Now things get confusing. We watlz outside, basically unafraid because of how powerful we are and invite them to stay the night. They agree. One of their boys meets a ghost boy living inside of our castle, and they make very happy playmates. The dream cuts to a Disneyland themed wedding with a couple of older women saying how much they enjoy it and how much it actually is like Disneyland except without the price tag, and I think it's Chris's aunt Patricia who is getting married? The ghost boy sings at the wedding, I think he's somehow related to Patricia, and my parents comment on how much better his singing is than Patricia's since they are watching the wedding on TV. Regular me in the living room with them says "Um, no", and figure that the song Patricia released in the dream was a poor example of her voice.

My Dream and an Observation on my Life

Last night I dreamt that I was home on vacation and one of the things I wanted to do was watch Star Wars: The Empire Strikes back(I don't in real life, by the way). As happens in dreams sometimes I became a part of the Star Wars universe, except that it wasn't quite the same mythos, since though the ships were the same and there were Jedis the resemblance stopped there. The robots were pretty cool, and at one point I became a Jedi who could create a force field, light things on fire, and do all sorts of things regular Jedis cannot do. Anakin was jealous of my power. We allied with a robot who was on the Empire's side and wanted to help us for some reason I don't remember. I do remember the Empire was trying to poison us, though, and we landed on a planet where a football game was going on and two of the concession stand people got killed and one turned out to be a robot, or something like that. We also had to land in a toy store for a toy robot that was crucial to our plans.

I love my subconscious sometimes. I've actually had dreams that were supposed to be the Star Wars movies before, but I've liked them better than the actual ones.

You know who I've never had to deal with, for the most part? Bitchy, catty people. In the HGM in high school there was sort of a *popular* group, but I got along fine with all of the people in it, and, while everyone was certainly nice enough, it was not the group I wanted to belong to. Once Tedrick called me ugly to my face, but we were also best friends at that point, and I know he doesn't actually think that I am, though I didn't at the time. In band, one guy made fun of the way I dressed and my dandruff since at that point I wore baggy pants and a baggy t-shirt every day and wasn't always good about washing my hair, but I dressed that way exactly because I didn't really care about my appearance that much. In middle school a couple of people made fun of me in sixth grade, but we got along fine later on. One went after the way I dressed and the other I was probably latching on to too hard to since I was the new kid, so I was sort of asking for it. Luckily, nobody made fun of my horrible acne, at least to my face. People may have made fun of me behind my back, I don't know, but I never found out about it.

I mean, if someone had told me I was ugly, which those couple people in high school basically did, I would have said "ok" and walked away. People have different opinions on beauty, you know? And I'm not really concerned about being beautiful for everyone, I'm more concerned about my inner life. I just hope I can somehow dodge the bullet on these bitchy, catty people and never run into or make friends with a single one. I also hope my friends never pretend to agree with me when they actually disagree, on another topic.

So yes. Early morning introspection.

"Please Don't Go, I Want You to Stay..."

I love my bed. It is extremely soft and comfy, has two fluffy pillows on top of it, and these drugs make me want to sleep for twelve hours. So why did I get so little sleep last night?

First I woke up at 1:14am for no reason. And then I had a really poignant, but extremely creepy, dream.

I grew up with two cats, Muffy and Fluffy. Both were older than I am and died at the ages of 18 and 19, respectively. I was completely devastated both times as I was extremely close to them and still miss them terribly. I dealt with the impending loss of Fluffy to mouth cancer by latching on to Muffy even more, but with Muffy there was nothing to cushion the death.

So in the dream, the first part of it I remember since there was more before this, I was in the first house I grew up in, located in Panorama City, except that this house was darker and larger. I've had dreams in this environment before. Fluffy came walking up to me, and a little part of my rational consciousness asserted "aren't you dead?". Both had shown up in the dream before and I honestly didn't know if they were since I wasn't clear on whether this was taking place in the present or the past. I asked my mom and she said yes, both Muffy and Fluffy were dead. Suddenly Muffy appeared, with a bundle of what I named yellow carnations, even though the flowers weren't carnations in retrospect. I asked my mom where the carnations had come from, and she said she didn't know. I said "Well, they're both here. Muffy and Fluffy." My mom and dad believed me.

So I was enjoying my time with them, when I noticed that Fluffy was in a way starting to fall apart. She wasn't alive, she was a shadow who could not grow anymore the way that living things do, and the shadow was beginning to fade. I realized that they were being held here from moving on by my desire to keep them here. So I started to tell her "go into the light!" Each time I did this her body degraded, into muscle and bone, until there were just a few drops left of nerve endings and tissue. I kept telling them to go into the light, but they were being held back by my desire to keep her here, as I couldn't let her go in my heart. I finally managed to do it.

Muffy was much more solid, and we kept playing together. At some points in the dream she turned into a boy resembling Chris who I was attracted to(Just because Chris is basically the epitome of what I'm attracted to, not because she/he symbolized Chris in any way.). At another point, the dream started taking place in the Winnetka house.
We were in my room, and I could feel her/him beginning to fade, to turn into a cardboard cutout, since nothing new could come from her since she was not alive. The implication of fading is that the spirit becomes little more than a shade, a memory, forever bound to the earth until they are released. So I started letting her/him go in my mind, telling her to go into the light, which was heartbreaking. But all at once I felt her/his rage, because he/she wanted to stay here with me. She/he didn't want to be let go. So even when I had let her/him go enough so that he/she could pass on, he/she stayed, bound by their own will. All of a sudden lights in my room began to flicker and go out, and the clock went out. I ran out of my room and into the teen room, where my parents were. They blamed it on faulty wiring, like the wiring in their bedroom, and I was hoping they were right. However, then the lights in the teen room began to flicker and I was terrified.

This is when I woke up at 3:15, turned on all of the lights, and didn't go back to sleep for a long time.

Besides being horribly creeped out, the message of the dream about letting go really resonated. I've had a really hard time letting go of Muffy's death, as she and I were closer than I have been to a lot of humans. After her kidneys failed and she was lying on the table about to be put to sleep, I wanted to tell her that it was ok, that I knew she had to go, but I couldn't. I kept saying "Please don't go, please don't go" instead. I regret that. But in a weird way little part of me is healed, though not fully.

Random

Rereading LOTR reminds me of my imaginings of a society where technology and nature were intertwined, and trees bioengineered so that their branches interlaced to create dwellings with beautiful stones set in their natural bark, electricity derived from the organism while the waste of the household fed it. Mass production, as with all things, has its wise and not so wise uses.

It's interesting to me to note the differences the Protestant work ethic has created in our culture. On one hand, it puts the dreariness of any work for money over self improvement and betterment, in a way, though it could be argued that this is capitalism's work more than anything else. On the other, it fuels the drive for independence.

In my visits and dealings with European culture, it seems to me as if anti-intellectualism never gained the foothold there that it has here, most likely due to the history of the culture.

I had some beautiful dreams and awful nightmares last night. If my memory is correct, some took place in a dreamscape which has never been used before.

Last Night's Dream

I vaguely remember a part where I was with high school band in some location. Things kept breaking that the school didn't have the money to fix, including, at one point, a very expensive video camera due to a wave in the ocean. Repairs for it would "cost a couple hundred" (that wasn't the full cost of the camera). Mr. Kenion, one of my high school band teachers, and Mrs. Craig were there. Mrs. Craig asked me what I had done to my hair, and I told her "nothing, just used a new type of shampoo" and then that I was fine, and getting better, though I got the impression she wasn't really listening. Everything was in brown overtones, and run down.

Next I remember being at Canterbury, still with the band, although it was also implied that I was going to school there. Twice I got so caught up in day dreams that I missed what was right in front of/behind me; the second time this was that a bunch of buildings were on fire with firemen rushing to combat the flames. It was implied throughout the dream that the global economic and political situation was getting worse and that there were fires everywhere. Next I remember a gathering at a clearing by the lunch area, which did not resemble the real life lunch area in Canterbury, and I wanted to know if we could go home since everything was on fire because I wanted to skip school. I can't remember if it was before or after that I slipped into another daydream and everything was bombed by a country who's name I think was Cambria. It was truly horrible in the dream, and I can't imagine it in real life. Everything was on fire, people were running and screaming, I had no idea what had happened to anyone else or my appartment or pets. The global fan had been hit, and there was no telling what was going to happen or if and when the nukes were going to come. I think this happened before the assembly because I was wondering if China was going to side with Cumbria.

We scattered, though I don't remember why, and I ran into the building to the south trying to get out of the school. The building resembled dreamscape from a previous dream about North Hollywood. Another nation, an Asian one, had then sent archers to the west coast and they were now in the school. I remember a brief scene with Alex Jacobson in front of a column of people saying "Archers? In this day and age? Why don't they send bombs or something?" Watching them take down all the people around me I didn't wonder why, as everyone was completely defenseless. The actual reason this country sent archers was that it was poor, in the dream. Another part of the dream had revealed that America's military force was stretched very thin and was too untrained and inexperienced, I remember.

At some point I "woke up" into another dream in "my" bed, though this room did not resemble my apartment. Everything was mauve and it was implied I was in a house in a fancy area. I, still convinced that Cambria was invading, rushed outside with a gun and a kitchen knife, to meet Jackie Chan, who was in his 20s, and a girl in a coach. They both stopped. The dream gets sort of fuzzy from here, though I remember there was a lot of dream after this. I think Jackie Chan was a womanizer and I turned him down, and David Litvak, who I knew in middle school, also liked me but I also turned him down. There was a logic game which Jessica Lee beat David at(David was a nerd) and some sort of new ride involving a tunnel.

Dreams are crazy.