I Miss You

"I don't think I can live
with this love, anymore.
I don't think I can take
another night.
And I know your beauty will haunt me when you're with
someone else,
but darling there's not enough left of me to divide
and if I swallow hard, I might not come undone
and you might no-ot see the way I feel...."
-The Bangkok Five, "Outlines of Us"

Please be warned before reading on, Chris, that the following entry is devoted completely to, well, you and the us that formerly existed. I won't ask you not to read, since I can stand you knowing how I feel.

The night I called Chris in Iowa, I knew it was the right thing to do. I had rehearsed the phone call in my head almost obsessively, but "I think it's a dealbreaker" still nearly didn't come out. I remember how calm he seemed. At the time it was almost maddening as I wasn't calm at all, but in retrospect it was probably the one of the best ways he could have handled things.

This Friday I give him back my engagement and wedding ring. These are gorgeous pieces of jewelry which I treasured. When we looked at those rings, it was a sign that, at the end of the day, we loved each other and everything was going to be okay. And honestly, it still breaks my heart to give them back, because a part of me really wants to be there for him at the end of the day, even though I was the one who said that I wouldn't be in the first place.

I don't regret what I did. I've reached a point, a point earned through a lot of pain, where passion will never lead me around by the nose again. I am in control, and no matter how much I care for someone I can make a rational decision with regards to him or her. We've both agreed multiple times that we will make better friends than ...engaged people. If we got back together, it would solve nothing. And in the short time we've been apart, I've already felt the positive affects of us breaking up.

I still really like him, because that's the way humans work, I guess? There is a reason we stayed together for three years. I also still think he's damn gorgeous. I know he'll probably think that I am just saying that, but it would make it easier if I didn't think he was. I miss his mischievous nature, our jokes, our references. I miss my cuddlebuddy. If only that was all that it took to make this work.

I don't know how people get divorced. Maybe that's exactly why some unhappy marriages stay together. Would ours have been an unhappy marriage? I don't think so, but it wouldn't have been the right one for either of us.

I'm at a strange point right now, letting go while developing real feelings for someone else. I'm trying not to dwell on them, as I don't know if they're returned, and I have a life to try and live. I can be single and very happy, and that's what I'm holding on to right now-independence.

But I still miss you, every day. I don't think it's romance at this point, I think it's the close friend who I'm not talking to. I'm afraid it could turn back into romance, so that can't be rectified at the moment.

I don't think you would know me anymore. Remember when you didn't see certain things coming? Like that. Or maybe it's just easier to think you don't. Probably it's a combination.

I don't come first anymore, you don't come first anymore, we don't come first anymore. Your opinion is just an opinion now, though I still respect you. And it's hard, but we live on to tell the tale and be there for each other to a lesser extent at a later date.