Reading Into it All

Thanks for the link Anonymous, I finished reading the story today.
As someone who has read Flatland I am hoping he got to copyright first, which he probably did.

I am a sworn enemy of the Twilight series. Everything I have read about it reinforces my resolution not to read it, especially Edward's line "You're like my own personal brand of heroin". What girl actually wants to hear that? Well, apparently many, many teenagers these days, but still. It doesn't help that my usual reaction to romance scenes is to skip them unless I'm reading a classic or it's a very good book. And here is my problem with most fantasy novels:

1.) Guy meets girl, guy and girl fall for each other. Cool.
2.) Guy and girl go through tribulations together, keep love to themselves. This is realistic.
3.)Guy and girl confess love and then get married/spend eternity together shortly thereafter. Wait, what? No?

First love sells, which is just a matter of fact. But these novels include only the honeymoon phase and none of the ecstasy or pain that comes with real love or spending a significant amount of time together. A partner is a person whom you know for years and will still be a surprise sometimes and totally predictable in others. These saccharine, unrealistic portrayals are not doing anybody any favors, ultimately. Why would you want a love like that if you could have the real thing?
Also, as far as I understand Bella follows Edward to the exclusion of everybody else and then gets pregnant right after high school. What a great example. Also, talk about communication issues between Bella and Edward. As far as I understand, in the second book he leaves without telling her why.
I know that people are going "it's a book for teenagers, you shouldn't expect better". And there are plenty of examples of other books where the characters meet, fall in love, and get married soon thereafter. It's usually their saving grace that this is not the central pillar of the plot which excuses this.
Ok, so people in my generation were reading Harry Potter in middle school, and I would love to say that nobody took them too seriously, but it's Harry Potter. I have read all of those books, and while they are entertaining and do use actual mythology/characters from history in them(eg Nicholas Flamel) they are entertainment and nothing more. I do not get why so many other just as good or better books did not gain the popularity of this trilogy. Maybe it was a changing climate in regards to fantasy, or the series was simply extremely accessible to people, or a bit of both. Either way, LOTR was then produced, which I approve of. Then there was Wicked. I never finished the book, but it is dark and graphic and I'm willing to bet most people don't actually read it. I've heard some of the songs from the musical and read the Wikipedia entry on the play. The songs are very simple musically and tap into generalized emotions. "I'm not that girl" is something most, if not all of us, have felt in the past before and probably associate with deep emotions, but it's not exactly brilliant writing. The whole the popular girl and the outcast can get along! and the popular girl has problems and can feel like an outcast too is good. Of course, I believe most of us learn this immediately after high school if not before then.

Today's speed run: 12 minutes to the end of 6-3(got killed by the world boss).

One of the differences between photographs and paintings, at least, to me, is that, in a painting the subjects are beautiful shells waiting to be filled with meaning, but a photograph is of someone extant, a person who's shoes we may attempt to step in but can never replace. In fact, completely replacing the person in a photograph dehumanizes the model in a way, because they become simply tools, vehicles for ourselves. Of course, many fashion photographers attempt to take the image of a model and make it their own in the way painters made model's images a work of art. One could argue that the ending photograph is as far removed from the model as a painting, but this is not intuitively extant to me. Perhaps because when looking at a painting, the first "person" considered is the painter, but when looking at a photograph, it is the model. Or perhaps it's my perception of models then and now.

After reading this article on horrible, horrible US companies that again throw the phrase "first world problems" into harsh reality, I had a heart attack when Nesquick was #1 on the list. Child slave labor, some of it from human trafficking, harvests the cocoa in their drinks. I love chocolate milk and consume vast quantities of it. I am never buying Nesquick again. The Kirkland milk I buy is organic, certified by the American Humane Society and obviously sold by the awesome Costco, but where does the cocoa in it originate? Here is a site called "Rountable for a sustainable cocoa economy". Declaration of Trinidad and Tobago?! This hits much too close to home. But I can't find out where the cocoa is from. Most likely a middleman.

Progress

Star Trek predicts the 1990s are a time of bloody world war and our first space travel. We may not be colonizing other planets, but this is because we instead "chose" to make scientific, medical, and engineering progress, this choice, of course, being the result of various social and political pressures. The things science is now accomplishing were a dream in the 1960's and are in many ways simply amazing.

I find that, in a way, Star Trek is more of a scientific fairy tale than science fiction. Scenarios may utilize science at times, but this is far outweighed by the number of unscientific and improbable elements involved in many episodes so far. This is not to say that the scenarios have not been clever and interesting to watch. I find that I am really enjoying the show, and am almost finished with the first season. Since every episode is fifty minutes in length I cannot watch more than one per day, and two is stretching things.

People have treated space as the frontier, but what about the internet? We need more novels like this.

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When a significant other is having a difficult experience it is not right to abandon him or her even if the experience is affecting the relationship. Examples of difficult experiences include finding a job or prolonged illness. It is only if the affected partner makes no effort to recover that perhaps action is necessary. Being critical is in fact counter-productive because in addition to the initial stressor the affected partner has to cope with the disapproval of her significant other while the "support group" affect of partnership is negated. If your partner is going through a difficult time, please attempt to put yourself in his or her shoes.
Yes, there is a story behind this paragraph, but I am not willing to share it. No, the inspiration was not Chris.

I dislike it when individuals claim to constantly be "calling people out" as this generally implies a sense of their being superior to the general population. This method is tends to be ineffective due to the extremely blunt and sometimes condescending way in which it is usually used which makes the actual message get lost in communication. People are not generally receptive to profanities or tones which imply they are being talked down to. Furthermore, the general implication is that people are liars or do not know how to analyze their own feelings or minds.

When someone does deserve to be "called out", most of the time he or she is not going to be receptive to the truth and it is better to trust that life and experience will show it to him rather than attempt to win a fruitless battle of words. There are few cases where this is false.

Love and Creation in the Nation

Comics courtesy of A Softer World.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of the Stonewall riots! I wonder how to celebrate.

HOLY C***!!! NEIL GAIMAN IS AT UCSD STARTING ON THE 28TH AND PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT ME ARE BEING TAUGHT BY HIM! Ok, I am totally finding a way to see him while he is here. This is happening.

"All love letters are
Ridiculous.
They wouldn't be love letters if they weren't
Ridiculous.

In my time I also wrote love letters
Equally, inevitably
Ridiculous.

Love letters, if there's love,
Must be
Ridiculous

But in fact
Only those who've never written
Love letters
Are
Ridiculous

If only I could go back
To when I wrote letters
Without thinking how
Ridiculous.

But today, really,
my memories of those
letters are the ones
that are truly ridiculous

(All the strange words,
all the strange thoughts,
are naturally ridiculous)"

-Fernando Pessoa

I have never written a love letter. Chris and I were unabashedly sentimental in a way which led to both of our parents making fun of us so it's not as if our emotions were not expressed, but love does not inspire me to write, it inspires me to do. I wrote a couple poems dedicated to my first love after being rejected by him and a dark poem about the emotion itself once. But I completely agree that sincere and eloquent writing dedicated to deep emotion is worth creating even if to some it seems pretentious or overdecked, though I would make a conscious effort to stay out of the realm of complete ridicule.

The latest Star Trek episode parallels Peter Pan and Never-Neverland, which is sort of brilliant, as was the Venus drug episode(though wives are not for cleaning and cooking, of course).

Today I saw a name in my inbox which made me conceive Caronlina Muffet. Caronlina Muffet only exists in words. She is a doll with button eyes that was cobbled together by someone with too much time and imagination. The child that created her lives in a world of canopy beds and bedtime stories. She or he, as I haven't decided on his or her gender, spends most of his or her time in his or her room. Ms. Muffet is made of scraps of muppets and pages from Fairy Tale books in character, but in the reality in which she exists she is only made of scraps. She might have gotten a part in Coraline, had she auditioned, but being a doll she couldn't. Secretly she was deeply disappointed in this, but do not tell the child that made her, because he or she simply wants the doll to be happy.

Carolina Muffet may appear creepy to some, but she is not bad in any way. She was created from a simple love of life and retains this in her stitches.

Saying Something

Apparently, Warren Ellis is writing a comic which is free for viewing online.

The latest entry of PLFM features an extremely psychotic man who deserves to have a derisive entry written about him. However, I take offense to this statement:

""I'm just not that into casual sex," he explained. For those women not in the know, that's man-speak for "I can't find anyone who will f*** me." "

That's just untrue, though it may not have been in this man's case.

Speaking of PLFM, Mike/Weasel recently did an interview on another blog. Here is a quote from it:

"And like most writers, I absolutely abhor what I write. I post entries, and I never read them again, because I can’t. I’m my own worst critic. They just seem so fucking awful, so unfunny."

I can completely relate to this. Part of what I try to do while writing this blog is to go back and correct entries a week and a month after they are written in an attempt to improve my writing style. I always get the urge to delete the posts, cobbling together the reasoning that hey, Kafka wanted to burn all of his work, maybe yours is actually good! It seems to be part of the natural torture of being a writer.

One of the reasons that I believe creates the high divorce rate in this country is that people do not know how to communicate with each other. This seems to be a reason that nobody is addressing.

It's kind of saddening that Micheal Jackson's death is the only thing that brought about renewed respect for him. If he was a child molester I don't feel any sympathy for his faith, but he really was never allowed to live a normal life and was damaged in so many ways.

Friender Gender

I will wait to see Terminator on DVD as it only got 33% on Rotten Tomatoes.

I saw "Volver" today. It was not what I expected, though fans of Amadovar's previous work will probably recognize his style. I enjoyed it.

Friends of friends are people who 's lives, stories, and histories you constantly hear about. Sometimes when adding someone on Facebook or Blogger these people are present and active on your friend's page and these individuals have a Blog or Facebook of their own.

But, since technically these people are strangers, it is awkward to friend or talk to them. What if the individual hasn't heard about you?

Friending someone on Facebook isn't a big deal and in fact is probably a good way to start at least an acquaintance ship accompanied by a note such as "Hey, I'm so-and-so's friend and I've heard some cool stories about you!(Don't worry, none of it's gossip.) ". Commenting on someone's blog is much more personal since it implies that a stranger is reading that person's thoughts, which is why I also tend to avoid stranger's personal blogs. While that's the risk taken when posting things on the internet it's creepy to have that fear directly confirmed.

While getting to know someone generally is done on a person-by-person basis, what to you do in situations like this? I have let go several potential friendships myself out of a fear of seeming awkward or strange.

In other news, it's sort of interesting how "them" is becoming the third person singular instead of "he or she". I'm a big believer in there being a third gender and in fact identify greatly with the notion. Should I be putting that on the internet? Probably not.

People

I remember a conversation I had when I was sixteen.
"I hate people", I typed in my instant messenger window.
"So are you a misanthrope?" asked Chris, who was just getting to know me at the time.
"No......"
The conversation went on from there, although I don't remember the rest of my reply. It basically stated that I like individuals but dislike the way groups of people operate.

What? I went out with him for practically three years. Half or more of my current stories include him.

I love individuals. People from all walks of life have so many tales to share, new nuggets of information which I may never have heard in my circle. Whether we be blessed to see the intricacies of the human mind by never being able to objectively view it or are trapped in obvious but invisible boundaries, sharing things from our innermost minds is one of the most satisfying things I can do with another human being. Or, I am biologically programmed to feel that way.

I feel good, strangely over the breakup. Not completely over it, as one might expect, but as if some crucial point has been passed. In fact, I still felt really sick this morning, but this afternoon I feel very good.

So I am curious about something. Sunblock absorbs or scatters UVB and UVA, crucial and large components of sunlight. People who do not get exposure to sunlight risk developing SAD(Seasonal Affective Disorder, although I'm pretty sure they made up the acronym and found a name to fit it). Sunlight is also used by the body to metabolize vitamin D. So while we may be protecting our skin by applying sunblock, are we doing the rest of our body any favors? There are no studies on this that I can find. I mean, preventing direct DNA damage is, of course, important, but I'm curious. This would of course only apply to those who use sunblock religiously.

My spontaneous and casual writing has definitely improved because of this blog. Although, interestingly, when I look back on posts a week later I almost always find errors to correct, no matter how many times I review the initial post.

Untitled

I was outside today, observing a pine tree by my apartment. The needles quivered in the wind with such grace that it was almost like watching music while the tree itself stood out like paint strokes in the dusk. There is as affective an algorithm for calculating this movement as there is for calculating the weather, even though there is an order to it. Cacophonous music.

I saw the sharp divide between the box painting of my apartment, lit up with warm CFLs through the door, and the outside world, the universe stretching outward and beyond. The divider being, of course, the roof.

Who is there to give me a gold start for my accomplishments? Some people would, in fact, denigrate me. There are no smiley faces in a world where we are taught to crave them. I want to rise above the world of smiley faces.

I finished watching the first season of "Pushing Daisies" today. It is a great show that displays creativity and talent, which is why they, of course, canceled it. As I put it back on my shelf I realized that I could finish "Orphans of the Storm" by myself, a movie Chris and I were forever meaning to watch together. And then it all came flooding onto me, that this really was my life, mine, and mine alone now, with no restrictions as to what to watch, with nobody to watch anything with me, with no priorities dictated by another person. And honestly, I'm scared, scared of messing it all up, but glad there is nobody else to blame in the end if I do.

I don't write everything down. Why would I?

"Sometimes a thing gets broke n' you just can't fix it" -Firefly

This morning, things still feel surreal. Three years of thinking about "us" doesn't turn overnight into thinking about "me". I keep going over our fantasies, the way our wedding pictures were going to look, the imaginary house we built together. Fantasies don't always weather realities, though. A little part of me keeps speculating that perhaps we'll get back together in the future, but I know that's not true, or if it is it will be a long time from now, a time not even worth speculating about. I wouldn't say there is a torrent of memories, more like an organized trickle as things come forward one by one. I did genuinely believe we were going to be together forever. The concept that he is not standing right behind me is still alien.

I don't feel angry, although I may later. There is plenty to be angry about on both sides. At the moment I just feel sad, because I did cherish the time we had together. Part of me wants to fixate on the hurt, part of me wants to fixate on the good, and I'm retracing both side by side.

Cleaning and German Tales

I remember reading the plot of the Nibelungenlied as a child. It was one of my least favorite stories because of how horribly depressing it was, which made such an impression on me that I may never read it as an adult. The ending is the wife of Siegfried locking all of the warriors who betrayed her husband in a hall and poisoning them.

Today I read some of The Ring of the Nibelung, studied quantum physics, did a lot of housework while watching "Bones", and exercised. Ammonia with surfactants is an excellent cleaner. My mom bought me some ammonia ($0.99 for about a gallon)when I was attempting to do a fishless cycle(Aquaria Central's server wasn't responding when I wrote this) which, unfortunately, well, contained surfactants. I decided to use it as a normal person might and was pleasantly surprised. Needless to say, however, my windows are open and I took two showers today.
I also use the "Greenworks" all-natural line from Clorox for extra irony, although if they came out with something that effectively cleaned floors I would use it instead. Their bathroom and glass cleaner work very well and their all-purpose cleaner works fine, although not as effectively as some other brands. What? I do live alone and do all my own cleaning, which also probably makes the layer of dust in the previous picture with Monkey self-explanatory. If you want to have an awkward conversation about the relative effectiveness of household cleaners, feel free to bring it up. I must also say that the microfiber cloth my mom bought me is the most effective duster I have used, including Pledge, and the most environmentally friendly.
If you are a man and are laughing at this point, let me tell you that one of the most unattractive things to many woman is a guy who won't do his share of the housework. I only clean up after myself because I have to and if somebody put me in charge of his or her mess in addition to my own I would turn into an axe murder overnight. Thankfully, I am with someone with whom that will never be an issue.
Significant others should never have to act as parents.

A good idea for a science fiction short story would be a love story between a human and an alien, emphasizing perception shaping the role of both in shaping the other into someone they are obviously not.

Later Edit: This entry sounds much more angry than I meant it to be. I was trying to be funny, not defensive. Btw, another scenario for my becoming an axe murder is working with people like those in "The Scientist and the Physicist".

Silence, Darkness, Jealousy, and Kittens

Last night the Russian Blue mother cat, who's name is now Gaiylee, or alternatively Attack cat because of a joke my mom keeps making, apparently came right up to the door to rub against and play with my sandals. Isn't that adorable?

Update 11:02: I saw the kittens for the first time. They are head-exploding cute. Gaiylee let me get close enough to the nest to see them when they started mewling in response to my "kittens kittens kittens" call.

I remember in several children's books I read a description of true darkness and true silence as something that we in our suburban lives would never experience. Besides the realization that I must have read some twisted children's books, I would like to say that this simply isn't true, at least for me. As an insomniac I woke up at all hours of the night. At these times there are no cars on the road, nobody is moving, the house is not settling, and far-off motors are muted by the walls. All there is to hear is a sort of ringing in the ears, or at least that's all I can hear. Maybe I should get that checked out.
Also, I always sleep with the lights on because I am a sissy. In my old apartment no natural light entered into my room because of the way the only window faced. One night I woke up either in the middle or at the beginning of a blackout and waved my hand in front of my face to no avail, because I was literally engulfed in that darkness which is the absence of light. I always keep a flashlight close to my bed because of an inbred fear of earthquakes, so I grabbed it, called Chris, and got out of my room and into the common area. Lest I give the wrong impression, I had just woken up from a realistic dream where someone was robbing me and the less rational part of my mind was extremely convinced that someone had cut the power and was attempting to do just that. Chris was offering to drive the hundred and twenty miles down to me because he is a sweet man, but the rational part of my mind turned down the offer.

I must say that the thought of both the darkness and the silence at the same time is intimidating.

I don't understand jealous people, which is interesting because I myself used to be an extremely jealous person. The only good thing that the experience taught me is that jealousy stems in large part not from the other person's actions. but from inner insecurity. There are, of course, natural reasons to distrust human behavior as a whole, especially since nobody is perfect and everybody is liable to let others down at some point, but jealous behavior almost always pushes people farther away, defeating the purpose. Also, it must be exhausting to never be able to relax and simply trust another person, not just for the jealous one but for the other person(s) involved. Part of the joy of being in a stable relationship is that same trust, and jealousy can prevent a relationship from reaching that level of stability.

Domestic Violence

I just have to rant here.

Why do all of these people blame the victim?
Abuse is not a simple process. Usually before an abuser physically assaults his or her partner it is preceded by slowly demolishing the partner's self esteem and isolating them from all support networks. By the time the actual violence happens many victims even feel as though they deserve it. It can take an abuse victim six or seven tries to before they leave their partner permanently. This is a complex psychological subject that has entangled thousands of people, and to call Rihanna stupid because she did not leave Chris Brown or to say that "she deserves him" is blaming the victim, an attitude which makes it even harder to break the circle of violence and reinforces the self esteem and isolation issues that have been created around the the victim.

To say that she deserves his violent reaction she got because she hit him first? Yes, in a loving relationship anything more than playful violence is not acceptable, but choking, punching, and biting are not in the same category as one swat. If one partner does something unacceptable that is no reason for the other partner to escalate in, especially since he was hardly defending himself.
If they were not romantically involved, would we find this situation ok? Girls are very capable of being violent, but that does not mean that women(or men!) do not need protection from this sort of thing. He beat her into a pulp and she barely swatted him. Unjustified much?
Nobody in a healthy relationship has to be afraid of their partner in any way.