Straight Up

I past my first independent credit check today.

I miss Chris and I's relationship, though what I'm missing is sort of an idealized version created by letting go of bad memories and annoyances. So I don't know what to call what I'm actually feeling right now. Marisa-wants-to-live-in-an-idealized world syndrome? Marisa had a dream last night where she met Chris and Artur and then had psychic powers and rained fire and lightning down on her enemies but the enemies still won, so she had to eat orc meat and sing the country, which contained Mallorn trees, back to life? Marisa is letting go of the idea of any significant other being present in her life for the time being? Speaking of the dream, I was with Buffy and Chris and Artur were dressed up for Halloween. Buffy and I were trying to evade an attack from Spike, but then we got pushed into this other world and were using magic seeds on the ground in a woodland area for protection, but the woodland animals who were supposed to be defending us decided to eat some, so the army of spiders got through. I was helpless, except I developed psychic powers which I wasn't sure were working, but worked.

Part of the problem is that I know what it's like to be truly alone, a state which is extremely unpleasant, to say the least. I don't want to ever experience that again. But I don't think I ever will have to, for a variety of reasons, one of which being that I have these people called friends. I think I would have done better in a time period where friendship was regarded more seriously, except for the sexism and racism and the fact that I probably would not have survived being born prematurely.

It's strange to suddenly be at a different stage in life. Suddenly wedding dresses and a shared house are things of the distant future, instead of realities happening in the course of the next few years. If they even happen at all, though I also thought I would be someone who reached twenty without ever being in a relationship or even kissed. In other news, my first kiss sucked.
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I was in third grade, and taking a class at John Robert Powers. "Stand up straight against the wall!" said the teacher. I tried to stand up straight against the wall, but failed, as I knew I would. My back didn't line up properly with it the way that it should have.

"You have the most sensitive back I have ever treated", said my chiropractor in eight grade after I had sprained my back.

"I always wondered why you veered off when you were walking. It's because you're crooked! Here..." Alex Jacobson, my flute section leader, tried to adjust my posture. "OW!" I ejaculated, tearing away. All the other flutists laughed, and I tried to laugh too, but it wasn't funny. I knew that had no idea what it felt like, and I still feel no grudge against them for their reaction. This was in tenth grade.

"Wow. This is a lot of tension. Was this caused by trauma?" Andy, who was filling in as my physical therapist last Friday and is not to be confused with Andy from the lab. I wish my physical therapists could simply massage my knots away all at once, but after the pain I've gone through from being overenthusiastic, I'm quite clear on why they don't. I don't want to end up in the hospital in shock.

"You have to be able to bend that way. Everyone is able to bend that way." I've heard this countless times throughout my life.

Today, this morning, I can stand up straight. I feel so happy and blessed for that simple gift. People are born with much harsher circumstances than mine, and I can't look at pictures of people with severe back problems. After what I have gone through, and I look like I have a normal back, what must these people feel every day? If the pain were just a bit sharper, I would need medication to keep it under control. My arms are horribly sore, and I spent a lot of time massaging out knots in addition to exercise and appointments, but I can stand up straight. It feels good to be rewarded for all of this effort, though my physical therapist and my mom's insurance played a crucial part in helping me. I have a while yet to go, but straight! Me! Happy!