Viscoseity

Has anyone created a Captain America comic that comments on American policy today?

Remember when I was talking about the SKOY cloth? Apparently Trader Joe's has a product that's basically the same. I'm going to use it and write about my thoughts here. One will be used for cleaning and the other for cleaning up random messes and spills. Here is a quote from the back:

"This cloth is created from 100% Viscose, a miracle fabric.." (Way to make me suspicious, Trader Joe's) that absorbs over 10 times its weight in any liquid."

Let's Google Viscose, shall we?

Wikipedia tells us that "Cellulose from wood or cotton fibres is treated with sodium hydroxide, then mixed with carbon disulfide to form cellulose xanthate, which is dissolved in more sodium hydroxide. The resulting viscose is extruded into an acid bath, either through a slit to make cellophane, or through a spinneret to make rayon. The acid converts the viscose back into cellulose...Viscose currently is becoming less common because of the polluting effects of carbon disulfide and other by-products of the process, forcing some factories to close."

Trading one evil for another. Either we cut down the forests or make the water undrinkable. Everybody wins, and by wins I mean dies.

I have no idea what the credibility of Wisegeek is, but here are some quotes:
"...including some of the products that many people use every day that are made from this substance."
Wiki also mentions this. Apparently viscose is really common, especially in apparel, and is used in Nylon sometimes. The things we learn from random research. Here is a table from Time
(Yes, as in The Times).

"Figures in millions of pounds consumed:

_______Raw Cotton__Wool_____Silk____Rayon
1926—3,215—343—66—61
1929—3,423—368—81—133
1932—2,463—230—71—155
1935—2,755—418—62—259
1938—2,904—285—52—327
1940—3964—41—36—488"

So I have lots of work to do, or I would probably start looking up polymers and other things that are lots of fun. Feel free to do your own research and post it up here.

I finally added a "Household Products" tag but can only remember two entries where I discuss them. I still haven't finished tagging all of the "Random Thoughs" entries, either.

Here is an interesting post on good startup search engines that I will read in full later. Also, I was a little skeptical about Cracked's post about the blind man who learned to echolocate, but now an article on the phenomenon is on Wired and if humans can do this I want to learn. I have officially converted Chris to Cracked(.com)! Go me.

Love and Creation in the Nation

Comics courtesy of A Softer World.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of the Stonewall riots! I wonder how to celebrate.

HOLY C***!!! NEIL GAIMAN IS AT UCSD STARTING ON THE 28TH AND PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT ME ARE BEING TAUGHT BY HIM! Ok, I am totally finding a way to see him while he is here. This is happening.

"All love letters are
Ridiculous.
They wouldn't be love letters if they weren't
Ridiculous.

In my time I also wrote love letters
Equally, inevitably
Ridiculous.

Love letters, if there's love,
Must be
Ridiculous

But in fact
Only those who've never written
Love letters
Are
Ridiculous

If only I could go back
To when I wrote letters
Without thinking how
Ridiculous.

But today, really,
my memories of those
letters are the ones
that are truly ridiculous

(All the strange words,
all the strange thoughts,
are naturally ridiculous)"

-Fernando Pessoa

I have never written a love letter. Chris and I were unabashedly sentimental in a way which led to both of our parents making fun of us so it's not as if our emotions were not expressed, but love does not inspire me to write, it inspires me to do. I wrote a couple poems dedicated to my first love after being rejected by him and a dark poem about the emotion itself once. But I completely agree that sincere and eloquent writing dedicated to deep emotion is worth creating even if to some it seems pretentious or overdecked, though I would make a conscious effort to stay out of the realm of complete ridicule.

The latest Star Trek episode parallels Peter Pan and Never-Neverland, which is sort of brilliant, as was the Venus drug episode(though wives are not for cleaning and cooking, of course).

Today I saw a name in my inbox which made me conceive Caronlina Muffet. Caronlina Muffet only exists in words. She is a doll with button eyes that was cobbled together by someone with too much time and imagination. The child that created her lives in a world of canopy beds and bedtime stories. She or he, as I haven't decided on his or her gender, spends most of his or her time in his or her room. Ms. Muffet is made of scraps of muppets and pages from Fairy Tale books in character, but in the reality in which she exists she is only made of scraps. She might have gotten a part in Coraline, had she auditioned, but being a doll she couldn't. Secretly she was deeply disappointed in this, but do not tell the child that made her, because he or she simply wants the doll to be happy.

Carolina Muffet may appear creepy to some, but she is not bad in any way. She was created from a simple love of life and retains this in her stitches.

Untruth in Advertising

Pictured
is a sugar
glider.
Source

This is
a pet I
really want.
Howev-
er, they
are illegal to
own in
Califor-
nia.



I despise modern advertising. I believe the notion and acceptance that exaggeration and lies are commonplace within marketing becoming mainstream does more of a disservice to our culture than we realize. It is impossible to do research on everything. How many of us have looked up the most environmentally friendly paper towel or dishwashing liquid? Billions are spent every year based almost solely on marketing and sales prices. Human eyes are naturally drawn to more artistic trappings and when fast music is played adrenaline automatically swims through our bodies, perhaps creating the same response when the product is seen in stores. To sever these connections is, in fact, harmful, but we must constantly monitor our unconscious reactions to product placement, jingles, and a thousand other things. Even through all of this I notice my eyes being drawn to more interesting packaging or the words "environmentally friendly!"(which a product may not be) at Ralph's. Also, more sinisterly, though I don't believe this is actually the goal of any company, a well-educated and discerning population is not favorable to sales.

Speaking of environmentally friendly products, I did a search for "environmentally friendly paper towel" and found the Skoy. Here are some quotes from the web page:

"SKOY cloth is a chlorine-free product using water-based colors and inks. After an independent composting test, SKOY cloth broke down completely within 5 weeks."

"The SKOY cloth is a durable product due to the reusability factor and can last months. Using a SKOY cloth is equivalent to using 15 rolls of paper towels in an average home. "

"The SKOY cloth is long-lasting because of the wash ability feature. It dries quickly, so it is not a breeding ground for bacteria. Have you ever used your sponge, then smelled your hand and it reeked of horrible bacteria? That will never happen again if you microwave your SKOY cloth regularly. It is also dishwasher and washer/dryer safe. "

"We are two stay-at-home moms living in Encinitas, California. Our children have begun Elementary school and we have a little extra time. We decided that this would be the perfect time to start our business.

We have been working and researching for almost a year on our product."

"The idea originated when Michelle was living in Europe in the late 90’s. She discovered a product that was similar to the SKOY cloth and it was just amazing. Over time she found the cloth to be indispensible. When she moved back to the US, she realized that the use of a sponge was inadequate and the excessive use of paper towels, wasteful. Michelle searched and searched for a similar cloth and nothing even compared; nothing was of the same caliber. This is when Michelle introduced the cloth to Karen. She immediately fell in love with it and could not imagine cleaning with anything else.’

We then put our heads together and discussed a way to bring this product to the US with the requirement that it meet our high standard. Now we are so excited to be able to offer the SKOY cloth to you—which is everything that we had hoped it would be."

There are two problems I have with this website. One is that it is unclear whether the women are creating the product or importing it from abroad. If they are creating it, neither of their education levels or qualifications are mentioned. Of course, one does not need a degree to be smart or do intensive research, but if they can do it, so can I, though I don't have the one resource they claimed was available- a little bit of extra free time. I wonder if it would be possible to order the product and then do extensive testing on it?
I forgot the second problem. Maybe I will remember later.

Origins

My family has a fascinating history. My great-grandmother was Middle Eastern; I can't remember what part of India my great-grandfather was from. It was these two who made the trip to Trinidad, then a British colony, following the promise of land and a better life. Why, and their original families, remains lost in history.
My father was born to a then-well-off family in Guyana. I don't know how or when his family ended up in the South American country. His dad never discussed this subject with him and so it remains a mystery to me.
Due to the various migrations and England's love of collecting colonies at the time I ended up with Indian, British, Caribbean, and Middle Eastern elements in my upbringing in addition to my Americanization. For some people, family history defines their identities, but for me it reinforced that the person I could be included a smorgasbord of people. In a way, my background is also painful because it gives a glimpse of how hard it is to truly understand and grasp the intricacies of another culture from outside of it, though I certainly try.
I also ended up with a American, Caribbean, and slight British accent.

Whenever people ask where I am from I feel obligated to give a small summary of these events which seem to pass over many individual's heads and summarize to "she's Indian". I'm not close to my Indian heritage, though I've read many sacred texts of cultures for unrelated reasons and can understand elements of the culture because of how it affected and has been passed on by my family. I don't know how to wrap a sari and neither of my parents are Hindu or Muslim, though being Hindu or Muslim as a religious identity is different from the cultural identity Indian; people seem to mix those up.

Throughout human history there seems to be a period of stratification into a king, nobles, craftsmen and artisans, and peasants in cultures which "advance" into civilization. Does this innately make sense to the human mind or is it simply the result of political pressures and a certain group of migratory humans? In this day and age we could say that Democracy innately makes sense to the human mind, but that would be ignoring the power struggles and history which led to this government gaining a foothold in world history. If other turns of events had taken place communism could be in its stead. Saying that a group of disparate humans developed this form of government would be negating the large influence of the Indo-European migration; much of what happened before that time is lost in prehistory. I, as probably you, can think of several logical reasons why this stratification makes sense, but that could be enculturation more than logic.
This argument is more of a devil's advocate position than anything I have developed into a thesis.

Ouch, Year One is getting panned on RT. So far it has a rating of 18%, extremely disappointing considering Jack Black, Micheal Cera, and David Cross are involved.

Saying Something

Apparently, Warren Ellis is writing a comic which is free for viewing online.

The latest entry of PLFM features an extremely psychotic man who deserves to have a derisive entry written about him. However, I take offense to this statement:

""I'm just not that into casual sex," he explained. For those women not in the know, that's man-speak for "I can't find anyone who will f*** me." "

That's just untrue, though it may not have been in this man's case.

Speaking of PLFM, Mike/Weasel recently did an interview on another blog. Here is a quote from it:

"And like most writers, I absolutely abhor what I write. I post entries, and I never read them again, because I can’t. I’m my own worst critic. They just seem so fucking awful, so unfunny."

I can completely relate to this. Part of what I try to do while writing this blog is to go back and correct entries a week and a month after they are written in an attempt to improve my writing style. I always get the urge to delete the posts, cobbling together the reasoning that hey, Kafka wanted to burn all of his work, maybe yours is actually good! It seems to be part of the natural torture of being a writer.

One of the reasons that I believe creates the high divorce rate in this country is that people do not know how to communicate with each other. This seems to be a reason that nobody is addressing.

It's kind of saddening that Micheal Jackson's death is the only thing that brought about renewed respect for him. If he was a child molester I don't feel any sympathy for his faith, but he really was never allowed to live a normal life and was damaged in so many ways.

Are you Happy, Are you Feeling Glad? Have You Got Sunshine, in a Bag?

For the part of last night that I slept I had great dreams and woke up really happy, once I managed to wake up. Something about Band but I could actually stand up straight which meant that I was capable of doing the marches. Janina , Nick, Jessica Wray(?! haven't seen her since elementary school, not that I have seen any of these other people since high school) and others were there, as were many people I didn't know, since I was coming back from college as a tutor(thanks, Dylan!). Jessica wanted me to sit with her and Nick got told off by ..what's his face who's name I can't remember for making faces at me. I dreamt I was getting up at 6:30am while my mom was and garnering complaints from the other band members while my alarm clock in real life was going off at 7:30am. Before that there was a dream involving Pamela Das running away from her abusive parents to my apartment where my entire family lived then things turned into a Bollywood movie where we harnessed the power of the gods through Ilya to get some god to break a curse. Only Ilya got arrested and I had to go and break him out with someone else by following a compass except that the warden wasn't fooled by my story and I was preparing to fight, but then I woke up. Also, stuff happened with Chris. Anyways, it was a really good dream though it may not sound like it, except for the part where Geringher actually was a pedophile...not so good.

So then I woke up at 7:30am, apparently was much earlier than I had to, and got to the lab fifteen minutes ahead of schedule. We had an EH&S presentation today and much joking about drugs ensued. I sort of wonder what would have happened if when the presenter had asked someone to give an example of controlled substances I had started rattling a list of recreational substances off the top of my head, even though I've never tried any myself. It's kind of funny that I don't even drink but can name a long list of illegal drugs, though that is partially due to psychology classes. To most people raised in LA or NY this doesn't seem like much of a deal, but apparently it is? I guess it really comes down to what community within the city you have dealings with, though I never exactly hung out with seedy people. Also, when we heard that Farah Fawcett died of anal cancer we burst out laughing like the twelve year olds we actually are. No, the cancer part is not funny at all, but let's face it, in the face of tragedy sometimes the best solution is to laugh. Also, butts are funny. I totally have not been taken over by a middle schooler.

We talked about infidelity and I mentioned the survey that Anthony had told me about. The governor of South Carolina was discussed, and I agreed that if had not made decisions based on having the moral highground or obligation his affair would not have been a big deal. Some people say that if a man cannot hold his family together he cannot run a state. This is quite simply not true, as there are people who are good at one and horrible at the other. While it would make me dislike the man, as long as his governing was fine I would support him as a governor. Liking a good leader is not necessary, though it certainly helps. The subject came up twice until Phil played a clip from "The Daily Show". Also, the big knife is now known as our emergency backup system thanks to me.

I stayed in the lab most of the day learning Mathlab, then left and saw Peter, which went well. I'm hungry. Feed me?

If you want a cuttlefish, here is information on how to take care of Dwarf Cuttlefish.

Title is a play on the lyrics to Gorillaz-"Clint Eastwood", which don't actually have anything to do with anything, except that I am happy.

Cracked Up

Another beautiful article from Cracked about terrifying islands:

#6) Snake Island: "You see, Ilha de Queimada Grande is a delightfully exotic sounding island off the coast of Brazil that plays host to a certain breed of exotic sounding snake known as the Golden Lancehead. This snake has one of the worst venoms in the world, which literally causes your flesh to rot off your bones........ Conservative estimates range from the spine tingling one snake per square meter to the "drop dead from...fear" five snakes per square meter. "

5.)"Located in a lagoon in Venice, Italy, this island got its scary start when the Romans, being the kind, gentle souls they were, decided the best thing for society was to round up all the plague victims of the era, and stick them somewhere....When the Bubonic plague tore through Europe, the island was reinstated to its former "glory;"....They also changed their policy of "let the infected die peacefully" to "throw them in a large pit (atop already-dead bodies), and set them on fire,".... in 1922, a mental hospital with a scary fucking bell tower was built on the island ...According to legend, this particular hospital featured a doctor who routinely experimented on his patients with such things as lobotomies (performed with a hammer and chisel)

4.)"Figuring swamp vs. death was an easy decision, the 900 man force entered the swamp...

Five hundred were never heard from again.

You see, Ramree Island, not content with being just the home to malaria-carrying mosquitoes, blowflies and deadly scorpions, also harbored another deadly creature; the saltwater crocodile...."

3.)"Thanks to some nasty volcano-related incidents, the island's air is pumped full of delicious sulfur! The highest concentration of the gas on the entire...planet no less.....For some reason, the island has retained most of its pre-volcano population, and since the volcano never stopped spewing eggy gas, now they live day and night with a gas mask either on their face, or at their side. In the middle of the night, air raid sirens go off because the gas levels are dangerously high and people would start to die....Hey, speaking of nightmarish terror, that island also marks the exact point where 3 massive tectonic plates converge. Last time the pressure got too much, the ensuing earthquake removed Tokyo from the map. Completely...."

2.)"See, every time America or China dumps plastics in the water, it ends up in the ocean, and the currents drag it all to the same place--an area called the North Pacific Gyre. Over time, the garbage added up and now it's basically an island the size of Texas (although there is plastic covering an area the size of America)....Still, on the plus side, at least it's a form of recycling--garbage gets thrown out, fish eat garbage, we eat fish..."

1.)" Twenty (20) dead bodies of men, women and children were brought to Rewa as a present from Tanoa. They were distributed among the people to be cooked and eaten. They were dragged about in the water and on the beach. The children amused themselves by sporting with and mutilating the body of a little girl. A crowd of men and women maltreated the body of a gray-haired old man and that of a young woman. Human entrails were floating down the river in front of the mission premises.""

I have to agree with the author in feeling like vomiting for a while at the moment at the last one. Check out the article, as it gets worse!

Speaking of worse:
" At the Roppongi club, you’ll get to make love to your choice of a chicken, dog, pig, or goat; male or female. At this point, unless you’ve overstepped your bounds, the animal is still alive, and presumably frisky. Once the deed is done, you (and your family? Guests? We’re not really sure what you want to do here) retire to the dining area. In a matter of minutes, you are presented with a delicious meal of roasted whatever-animal-you-just-...."

AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH scarred for life scarred for life scarred for life /runs into shower

Image credit: Cracked

Short but Sweet

"I thought, I wrote, I conquered"
-Me, thinking about a slightly pretentious hypothetical situation

Amanda Palmer is at the Troubador on Thursday! Tickets are only $20.

Oh my God, this exists. Is it an actual organization or a home for Stepford Wives? On one hand, the list of recent events

"Many of our projects and special events offer leadership positions and challenging opportunities. Some of our most recent projects include our Blood Drive, our Annual Benefit Dinner, Dances, Christmas on Third Avenue Event, Spring Brunch Card Party, La Cadena Fashion Show, Table Setting Contest, and Tea Parties."

suggests the latter, but Amanda is performing for them, which suggests the former. Will I go to the show? Uh, maybe.

Apparently I have an allergy to something? What I thought was pink eye was diagnosed to be irritation. What do I have an allergy to? I had to go and buy eye drops.

I spent a lot of time reading The Customer is Not Always Right today, thanks to Tedrick. The anecdotes are hilarious! Here is a sample from the first page:

"

Me: “Hello, I’m calling about a bill your [credit card] that you haven’t paid in two months.”

Customer: “I don’t even have this card.”

Me: “Well, is this your address?” *asks address*

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “And is this your correct phone number?” *asks phone number*

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “May I verify the last four digits of your social?”

Customer: “Yes, it’s ****.”

Me: “Okay, that’s what we have. Were your last charges at [dentist] and with your phone company on [date]?”

Customer: “Why, yes, I did go there on those dates.”

Me: “So, you used this card.”

Customer: “No, I cut up this card. I don’t have it anymore.”

Me: “Well, the account is still open and you’re still responsible for the money you owe.”

Customer: “No, I cut up the card! I don’t owe anything!”

Me: “You have a balance of $2000 on the card. Even when you cut the card up, you still owe what you spent.”

Customer: “Really?!” "

Image credit: JUNG YEON-JE/AFP/Getty Images. The girl is a sex worker in South Korea, but the image and women herself are so delicatley lovely and thought-provoking that I had to post them here.

Filming

"Art does not speak...it is overheard..."
-Foucault

Thoughts about "The Reader":
1.) It reminds me very much of the starkness of German culture that Anthony elaborated to me, though the film reveals the passion and humanity underneath it.
2.) Kate Winslet is an excellent actress. Her eyes, her gestures, her manner are all perfect for her role. I am not surprised she won the Oscar.
3.) I wish people still went on cycling holidays. Though, of course, I don't know how to ride a bike..

There is joy in being loved, but there is also so much joy in loving someone else and seeing it light up their life.

4.)It's interesting how the Nazis have no effect on Micheal's life in the upper class.

5) It's powerful, incredibly powerful. Not as powerful as Slumdog, but it deserved to win some awards. I won't go into the details because that would entail spoilers, but you should watch it.

It's strange that Dora may soon be totally blonde.

You know what play is excellent? The Cherry Orchard by Chekov. I just read one of his (very) short stories, so I am thinking about his work.

I really wish that "Milk" didn't have wife-beater Sean Penn as its main actor because now I'm torn between borrowing it from someone or Blockbuster. The same holds for "The Wrestler".

Thoughts on Frost/Nixon:
1.) It was AMAZING. And I don't know how to say any more than that without spoilers. But seriously, go watch it.

I did a lot of stuff today, but little of it was physics related, which annoys me.

Video killed the Bandwith Star

I like this article because the physicist featured works at UCSD. Also, it gives me a headache when I think about my future in research.

Scubatube.org is a Youtube-like site dedicated to Scuba videos. Dnatube.com is a Youtube-like site dedicated to scientific videos. I forsee time-wasting in my future. Or would it really be time wasting? Ah, the existential questions.

Tiny Master of Tomorrow have a sound very comparable to Karen O's. And I support them because at 13 and 15 who didn't want to magically learn to play guitar, write about all the schmucking around you and then get complemented by David Bowie? Then again, I didn't know who David Bowie was. Another thanks goes out to the Chrisman for that one.

Mom found my blog and read it a bunch while procrastinating. Thankfully, I'm pretty sure that she doesn't know the URL.





How NOT to campaign for school board:

Love, Money, Art and Science

Comics are from xkcd

This article analyzes how paper money hurts the economy. It brings up some interesting points that I have never considered before and has three basic keys:

1.) The US government spends a LOT of money minting money
2.) The infrastructure is already in place for a digital switch
3.)Most money is already only in existence electronically

Here is the main problem I have with this article: most of the world does not have the infrastructure to make the switch to digitalized money. I can see how this could be countered by simply doing business deal in other country's money, but one of the powers of the dollar is the fact that it is ubiquitous. Take this away and the value of our currency would drop substantially.
Another trouble is that all money becomes traceable. Here we must thread the line between what is good for our society and the American suspicion of totalitarian governments. I must admit a cultured dislike of taking away that measure of autonomy and the fact that powerful people could destroy a person's savings with a few clicks on a mouse.
To me, the disturbing thing is that, for the most part, this could already happen. We are dependent on trust in a society that encourages our bankers and lawyers to be untrustworthy.

Apparently there is a Youtube stream dedicated to rejected marriage proposals. I watched a couple and really do not understand how they could be considered funny.

I started watching the original Star Trek series because of the movie and after two episodes I am really enjoying the series, cheesy sets and all. It reminds me of The Twilight Zone, except better done and set in space. Not that I've ever seen that much of the Twilight Zone, as the episode I watched did not catch my interest.

This artist uses discarded plastic to make his creations. This makes me feel like making landscapes from sticks, stones, and dead leaves.

I must have this. Seriously, I need more plants and aquariums. I love creating ecosystems! But let's not focus on that when I have to work on math and physics. I will read my ecosystems book later, by which I mean tomorrow.

I feel really good today. I had a visit last night from a dear friend which went really well.

Cute(Edited 6:44 pm)

From left to right: Spot, The Brave One, Socks, and Dasha

"Mongol" is well worth seeing, though it contained some historical inaccuracies. The style of the editing felt very Mongolian from my little reading of The Secret History, and the movie had a certain poetry to it. The fight scenes are portrayed with adrenaline and brutality; the fighting is exciting but not glorified. The Mongols themselves are portrayed as "uncivilized"(insert long diatribe about civilization and our enculturation here) but living with their own code. I especially like the portrayal of Mongolian women and wish there were a few more American heroines like them. We have few records of The Great Khan's early life, which makes it strange upon speculation that it is not the topic of more imaginings. Also, I would like to mention something that Ilya said a long time ago, which is that Mongolian ponies are short and fat. The horses in this movie are big Hollywood studs.

Snuggles is becoming blinder every day. Also, he was going to pee on the mat when I picked him up and put him in the litter box, getting some on my foot in the process.

Yesterday my mom took me to the mall. Tired from all the shopping this week neither of us lasted long, and I soon escaped to the bookstore. I met a former physics major working as an engineer in the mathematics section.

At home we watched the aforementioned "Mongol" and "Mamma Mia", the latter thanks to my aunt Brenda who had recommended it to my mom. I promised to watch "Mamma Mia" with my mom if she watched "Mongol". The movie turned out to be exactly what I expected: a light, fluffy romantic comedy with lots of singing. The songs were integrated well into the plot. Also, things stopped making sense somewhere towards the end and the tone was slightly unfemenistic. All of a sudden the independent woman realizes that she's needed a man this entire time? Perhaps the best thing that happened was that after seeing Meryl Streep in "Doubt" my parents were very impressed with her acting range and are now fans. They are also starting to borrow good movies instead of sappy Bollywood flicks. My mom bought another Meryl Streep movie and is renting "The Reader". I did too, in fact, so I'll probably be writing about that later today. My parents actually had an argument about the conclusion of "Doubt" in the car.

I keep having dreams where I'm Buffy. Also in last night's dream was Chris, and it was a pleasant dream. I'm not implying something euphemistically there. It was just a nice dream, except for the werewolves and demon slaying.

So I'm going to keep up with summer vow #1, read real news. Stay tuned for more updates.

Edit 6:44pm:

The last entry brings up a point some people have nitpicked on. Do I consider myself beautiful? Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't, because how I look throughout the day can vary considerably. I don't necessarily consider myself beautiful in the way I want to be all the time, either. What I am sure about is that other people can find me attractive.

It's nice to be in La Jolla, since most of the harassment I experienced in LA has stopped. I have heard many a time stories about how beautiful women bemoaned the cat-calls after they were gone, but it's nice to be surrounded by so many other pretty girls. That way if someone takes a special interest in me, it probably has more to do with me than my face.

I fell down the stairs this morning after my mom told me to come quietly. The kittens were curled up on the lawn chair and I took the above picture of them. Clingy was with Gaiylee on the lawn. We bought a bunch of books in the UCSD student store and ate at the Indian place. Now I'm going to clean and watch "The Reader".

Body of Issues

"Run Fatboy, Run" was good, but did not live up to my expectations. A parody of the romantic comedy genre, it ends up simply being another movie in the genre instead of satirizing the films it sets out to. Part of the problem lies in the Rom-com itself since as the films become more and more ridiculous the greatest exaggerations would not seem out of place in a "serious" film.

One of my issues with makeup is the fact that if anyone complemented my beauty they would be commenting on the illusion I created and not my actual face. Makeup, Spanx, and other such products are supposed to be beneficial to self-esteem, but how can that be if the finished product is not the actual woman? The complement is towards an imaginary creation, not to the real person. Is it healthy to think that someone needs all those products to be beautiful? What about when a significant other realizes who is under them, someone not the person initially presented? I personally prefer to present myself. Pretty or ugly, take me or leave me, at least it's me who is being judged with my acne-scarred face. Speaking of judgment, I'm not passing any who do use those products. I'm just genuinely puzzled. I have some artistic tendencies which sometimes manifest themselves in the way I dress and, sometimes, eyeshadow, which apparently can require an amount of creativity. But for those who feel they have to put on makeup every day, I don't understand the reasoning. I could apply the blanket statements enculutration and low self-esteem, but I don't feel as if that's fair.

"You have such perfect skin", my first boyfriend crooned. I was shocked at the compliment because I really don't, especially from an objective standpoint. My face has acne scarring and the skin on my calves is cracked. I also have a huge scar down the middle of my chest, though he didn't know that. I could go on, but I don't want to; the point is that I'm not perfect myself. An interesting note is that he was not the last to repeat that compliment, and none of these people were trying to get in my pants.

I guessed what this means is that the right partners don't notice our physical imperfections nearly as much as we do.

When someone tells a man he is not pretty, it is a comment on his appearance. If someone tells a woman that she is ugly it is seemingly taken as a comment on her whole being, as though the person is invalidating her. This is dumb, and I refuse to buy into the latter.

Storytime

I wonder if carbon nanotubes could be used in conjunction with another highly resilient material to create wings that could function while making minute adjustments like those a bird's wings utilize.

I was raised to consider serving people as a part of the environment, like the racks that belong in a department store. Perhaps describing them as serving robots would be more descriptive. In my universe, they existed only to do their job with a smile as part of the background. This was not an overt part of my upbringing, and I don't want to give the impression that my parents are horrible people.

When I was fourteen, I took my first community college class and my world changed. I met the people who served in these tiring, backbreaking jobs, struggling to smile and be polite to their customers who could be horribly and unrealistically demanding. I realized how abhorrent and narrow-minded my previous view had been. I admire people who work sales and service jobs, grueling, demanding, and intellectually deadening as this work is. And while I most likely will never, thank God, have to work in one of them, I try to make sales people's day a little easier if I can.

It really bothers me when people treat sales people with the naive attitude I possessed earlier in my life. I've known plenty of people working their way through college trying to balance school and work at the same time, and the last thing they need is someone snobby enough not to appreciate this. Almost nobody wants to be in these positions, but they work in them because they have to provide for themselves and sometimes their children. Why would this make them any less human?
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Every time I walk to the video store I remember a story from my childhood. When I was twelve and in seventh grade, my science teacher Mrs. Simons(sp?) assigned us a project to cook a nutritionally balanced meal. I procrastinated until the last day and then informed my mom when she came home that I had to get the ingredients necessicary. Uncharacteristically, as my parents usually would go to great lengths to help me succeed in school, my mom said that she was too tired to deal with this and that she was going to take a nap; when she got up she would decide what she was going to do.

This was not satisfactory to me. So I stole twenty dollars from her purse and set out to buy a Cornish hen.

The distance to Food for Less, which is in the same complex as the video store, was far from the longest distance I had walked at that time. But small and paranoid as I was looking like an out-of-place elementary schooler, the store seemed much further than it actually was. When I got to the store a nice sales person took special care to help me get exactly what I needed, and I went home with a feeling of satisfaction. And yes, I did give my mom the change from the bill.

My mom was angry but strangely proud and told the story to all of her sisters. This reminds me of when the Orange Line was built and I started sneaking off to downtown. After a bit of astonishment and upset, my mom wanted to know if I would take her with me.

Winnetka is now a street which I feel completely safe strolling down, although for some reason somebody always honks at me. I still don't feel comfortable in the dark out there, as the last time I was somebody grabbed my hand. But still, how times have changed.

Tonight we're watching "Run Fatboy, Run". We went on a huge shopping spree thanks to mom, though we also stopped in at the one dollar bookstore. We bought some plays by Moliere(accents are too much trouble) , Neuromancer, a book of short stories including Faulkner and Chekov, To Peking and Beyond by Salisbury(experiment) and a couple other books. I also bought Micheal Crighton's book Twister for Chris, because I couldn't help myself.

Contradictions

My family and I just finished watching "Doubt". The film's cinematography is gorgeous and made me feel as though we were looking at a moving painting. The editing and camera angles used were also well thought out. The story itself is great, portraying a battle between the stern, unchanging church and the "new" church. The actual answer to the question is left extremely ambiguous. Though I thought the movie was very well done, it was not as good as "Slumdog Millionaire".

As I said before, I'm not generally a fan of writing reviews.

Today I lazed around a lot and then had to go shopping with my mom in Kohl's and Ross. I couldn't finagle my way out of the trip as I had promised her I would go. Things went alright, and I got a new top and dress. I wish there were online discounts as good as the ones in Ross so that I never had to go into that store again. Also, considering all the time that the fashion industry spends marketing to thin women it would make sense to actually create clothing for them, but it can be very difficult to find any.

We spent about half an hour searching for a good handbag for me but got bored and gave up. Who knew that purses were this complicated? In Kohl's I found the perfect one, but it was made of genuine leather and I couldn't simply put my principles aside for a tote. Considering how long we spent searching and the fact that it was originally $115(Half off only today with extra 30% coupon on top), it was sort of a low blow.

My mom also wanted to buy me new shoes, but due to my aversion for heels that turned out to be a failure. In my opinion, heels are the new footbinding.

I spent a lot of time looking at Gaiylee and the kittens, who are becoming braver and bolder by the day. We have named the one my mom secretly wants to keep Dasha. There is the brave one, who is the least afraid of us and the biggest in the litter, the clingy one who is constantly attached to Gaiylee, and Socks who is adorable because between his socks, the little stripe of white on his face, and his huge ears he somehow becomes really cute. The last grey and white kitten has not don anything distinguishing him or herself from the rest of the kittens. How do you describe kittens pouncing, prancing, catching each other and their tails, climbing up the chairs on the patio and voraciously eating while their mother watches intently, only to fall asleep on the lawn? Words don't do justice to the show in our backyard.

I have some ideas bouncing around in my head right now, but I don't particularly feel like writing them down at the moment.

WhenI come home I sometimes re-read my children's and teenager books. They are extremely quick to go through and contain piles of nostalgia. Many generic writers targeting adults try extremely hard and fail while peppering their books with the content that places them in the adult category. The teenage novels are so refreshingly innocent. Anyways, nostalgia and reminding me of things I learned when I first read through the book, some concepts being entirely new at the time, are why I do this. It feels sort of silly to do this as a huge snob, but we read for many different reasons, eh?

I hope you all are having a great night. PS, Sorry about that Alex....

Wired Up

Today I went to a really interesting, fun place.

Was it Disneyland?
Was it Huntington Gardens?

It was THE DENTIST! I have to have my wisdom teeth pulled out at the end of the summer.

Watching kittens play in the sun while creating a thousand Hallmark moments is extremely relaxing.

I know that I should be calling my friends and telling them that I'm back in town, but I'm honestly having fun vegetating and feel too tired to set anything up. I will have another month to catch up with everyone, so I hope I can be forgiven.

One aspect of why I love working with living things is that there is no predicting exactly how the finished product will look or grow to be. The materials used in a project can be restricted within a certain aesthetic range, but the finished product will never be the exact replica of a mental picture. This is part of what I find so addictive about designing aquariums: even with a previous plan in mind the outcome is unknown.

Apparently, part of the book dedicated to Orpheus survives. I will attempt to find it online.*
*sentence serves as a reminder to me

I am extremely glad for the existence of 911.

Today I bought "Slumdog Millionaire" for my mom and rented "Doubt", which we will probably watch tomorrow. "Volver" was an interestingly portrayed window into the life of the lower class in Spain.

So I made a vow on this blog to re-start following "real" news over the summer quarter. The first news aggregate I'm going to catch up on is Wired. Right now I'm reading its culture section; let's see how long this takes. This article on 5 Toys from the 80's(It..has tons of global significance!) reminds me of all the playthings I wanted but could never have. This was a valuable lesson in consumerism and materialism, as I was perfectly fine without these products in the long run. Still, learning a programming language or playing with electronics is something that I would have loved to do as a kid, though I did learn BASIC as a child and it is BASICally useless. If you love Legoes, you probably want to click on the article and read about Erector sets. PS: maybe I'm still five, but that's a horrible name choice.

Also, this article on Googleconomics is really interesting. It's far too long for me to post all the relevant quotes in it, but it references some interesting ideas, a man who started doing formal mathematics when he was thirteen, and a highly successful business concept. The problem is that this makes me not want to read news and instead go off and do lots of math and physics.

If we were introduced to the concepts earlier I'm sure that most of us could have been doing formal mathematics by the time we were thirteen. So don't get too caught up in that.

This was posted a while ago, but anyone want to share their thoughts on the article entitled The New Socialism? I only started it, but while the premise is something that's been discussed since middle school I have a feeling that the article still sparked a lot of debate. For some reason this reminds me of high school when (world)news posted the day before was considered old happenings. Maybe it's because I was thinking of Jane when I wrote the first sentence in this paragraph.

Also, wetpaint may come in handy.

Friender Gender

I will wait to see Terminator on DVD as it only got 33% on Rotten Tomatoes.

I saw "Volver" today. It was not what I expected, though fans of Amadovar's previous work will probably recognize his style. I enjoyed it.

Friends of friends are people who 's lives, stories, and histories you constantly hear about. Sometimes when adding someone on Facebook or Blogger these people are present and active on your friend's page and these individuals have a Blog or Facebook of their own.

But, since technically these people are strangers, it is awkward to friend or talk to them. What if the individual hasn't heard about you?

Friending someone on Facebook isn't a big deal and in fact is probably a good way to start at least an acquaintance ship accompanied by a note such as "Hey, I'm so-and-so's friend and I've heard some cool stories about you!(Don't worry, none of it's gossip.) ". Commenting on someone's blog is much more personal since it implies that a stranger is reading that person's thoughts, which is why I also tend to avoid stranger's personal blogs. While that's the risk taken when posting things on the internet it's creepy to have that fear directly confirmed.

While getting to know someone generally is done on a person-by-person basis, what to you do in situations like this? I have let go several potential friendships myself out of a fear of seeming awkward or strange.

In other news, it's sort of interesting how "them" is becoming the third person singular instead of "he or she". I'm a big believer in there being a third gender and in fact identify greatly with the notion. Should I be putting that on the internet? Probably not.

Weekending

Welcome back, self! I'm so glad to see that you're alright. Where were you all weekend?

This Saturday I woke up when my parents came to my door. After doing a little extra cleaning and sorting a few things out we left San Diego. A small break at home was followed by indulging in my mom's favorite activity: shopping. I actually got a lot of new clothing, even though I was hopelessly bored by the end of the trip. Big Five also did not have a good punching bag for me. I read a little, then drifted off to sleep.

I spent yesterday mostly sitting around looking at kittens and talking with my parents. Chris and I exchanged our previously borrowed belongings. I went to see "Star Trek" with Christopher, which was great but didn't match up to my very high expectations. Also, a sun exploding would destroy a solar system, not a galaxy, and the Beastie Boys are apparently going to be popular for a reallllly long time on Earth? I want to see "Terminator" and "Up" in theatres.

Sexy

"He lured her downstairs into the Crypts; she led him from altar to altar in the Church of St Nikolai."
-From The Call of the Toad by Gunther Grass

I want to save this quote because I feel that it has high metaphorical value. Did you know that the name Pomeranian originally applied to a group of Slavic tribes?

What are your thoughts on this condom packaging? It's from China, which is why there is no Mao on there. I honestly find it to be twisted but humorous. Please don't think that I find the millions of people these men killed and oppressed to be funny; rather, it honestly feels good to see them ridiculed. Besides George Bush, humor at their expense would most likely have been the ultimate insult for many of them. They wanted people to fear them even after they died. So I think that while remembering and learning from these dictators's regimes (again sans Bush) is of the utmost importance, let's laugh at their images and tear down the legacies they wanted to create.

The Call of the Toad is a good book. I generally don't like to write down full reviews or thoughts about novels I read, and I won't be in this case.

I want that dress really badly.

Memories of England

Notice: You may note a proliferation of tags in the sidebar. I am attempting to make these more specific, but stopped labeling posts on April 27th's "I in the Me" entry.

I remember going through the British Museum for the first time. I was young, still in elementary school, and I hated the place. I disliked dark and dreary England, and I hated the British Museum. My aunt Roseabelle had been kind enough to let us use her apartment for the duration of our stay, but the cramped quarters with the laundry mat a block away and little food were less than cheery. For one person the house was perfect, but for the three people staying there it was far from. I had a nightmare involving Colombo which terrified me, and my circadian rhythms had been all but destroyed by the time change.

The huge museum scared me. At first I was intrigued by the Egyptian collection, but as we passed by mummy after mummy the reality that these were actually dead bodies sunk in and made me uncomfortable. I felt as though these people and animals should be beneath the ground, not on gratuitous display. The value of the culture and artifacts present around me had not become apparent yet, and I wanted to go back to the natural history museum, which we had already visited twice. Thinking about it even now, I want to go back to that place with its towering fully grown T-Rex and other fossils in its lobby. It was that skeleton which taught me how impressive a T-Rex actually was. The only highlight was seeing the Rosetta stone, which made me quiver with excitement. I couldn't help myself and brushed my finger against it, knowing while I did that if everyone were to do that it would crumble into dust much sooner than it should. Apparently the same thought crossed the curator's mind, and the Stone is now in a glass case. I feel strangely lucky to have done what I did, though also ashamed.

The food in the museum was horrible, which still hasn't changed.

I felt a bit better in the gift shop, where everything was horribly expensive except for a small, black cat that now resides in the teen room. The gift shop is different now, as I surmised from the thirty seconds I spent in there on my last visit before it closed.

I kept throwing up on the plane long after my stomach was empty and when we got back was sick for two weeks. When I finally woke up it was in the middle of the night craving Dorritos, which my dad gave to me.

The second time I went to England I noted all the ways it was better than America; the extremely efficent public transportation throughout London, the proliferation of cheap bookshops and plays, the healthy snacks readily available as an alternative to chips, and the focus on green energy. That sentence is short and simplified in comparison to the cultural imbibation which took place. I got Jane, then several other people, hooked on these smoothies that are only available in Europe and were one of my few good memories from my first time in England. A LOT of things happened and a lot of things were done while we were there, but overall the experience was very positive. Except for that play which gave me nightmares.

The third time I went to England was right in the middle of a xenophobic scare. People were discussing "the Muslim problem". According the the journalists, the fact that the Muslim community preferred to keep themselves separate from mainstream society encouraged radical and anti-British thinking. It seems like half of London is Indian, so this reaction puzzled me. But, of course, much of LA is Latino, and there is rampant racism against them. The things which impressed me were there, but cracks in the image that had formed before showed. And, of course, if you listen to citizens and the newspaper, there is a large amount of discontent there. England always has been a country of freer speech; Mary would not have survived well even if Elizabeth had not been around. So, in part, this simply is the way of the culture, but it also was reflective of the realities in the country at the time. And England is not an intellectual haven. There are plenty of ribald and other such folks there. I also didn't particularly like the fashions at the time, which were very girly.

I still want to at least visit England for a prolonged period of time. I felt and feel more in tune with their culture than the one I grew up in. This isn't a general overview, more my writing about selected memories which are rising in my mind.

PS: This site any good?

Last Night, This Summer

So last night I was looking at the bags of stuff on the floor when my mind went "Sh*t, Anthony!" .

The last time I had seen Anthony he told me that he was leaving La Jolla on a Thursday, though he didn't say of which week. Since it was Wednesday I called him to inquire about when he was departing, to which he replied "tomorrow". I asked him when we should meet up. He was having lunch with a professor before his flight today, so that was not an option. Then he asked, "How about right now?". I confirmed that that sounded like a good plan, and he said that he was going to walk down from the university to meet me. This was around 9:02pm.

Around twenty minutes later we met in front of Ralph's. Anthony had brought a friend, Liam, with whom he had apparently been drinking. They both had had around four beers each at that point. We sat in front of Starbucks until it closed talking about culture and history, then went into Ralph's. Since we were trying to determine where we should go at this point, I decided to invite them both back to my house. There was a lot of construction going on in the store and we got lost several times trying to find chips, pizza, and in Liam and Anthony's case, beer. They both bought a bottle to take back with them. No, I did not break my no-alcohol-for-Marisa rule. We sat up until 2:00am talking and at some points listening to music. We were all completely exhausted by the end of it and I have dark circles under my eyes today, but it was completely worth it. I'm sad to see Anthony go, though I don't doubt he misses his wife and his cats.

I studied for a little while afterward then fell asleep.

I haven't really slept that much this week. I can't believe that tomorrow finals week is over. I kind of wish I didn't have to go back to LA immediately but I think I'll be back here in around a week or so. There is a feeling of freedom in the air.

My parents are getting me a punching bag, by the way. I am psyched, as I've always wanted one.

I think a lot of victim-blaming takes place in our culture. If someone invites a person they barely met back to his or her apartment he isn't being smart, but having a had a lapse in judgment doesn't mean that he wants to be mugged. Many people victim-blame in cases of rape, citing stereotypical coy female behavior as the true impetus behind the act when the victim is a woman. If someone is being heavily flirtatious while drunk, is he or she being smart? Not necessarily, but that doesn't give anyone the right to rape her. I don't know anyone who writes Santa asking for post-traumatic stress disorder. Making a smaller mistake is no reason for a much larger hurt to be imposed on someone.

In a twist on this, last night when we were talking Liam mentioned how Hitler used to "preemptively strike" countries. I replied that it was the "she was wearing a short skirt" reason for war. Note that I was only replying to Hitler's reasoning here, as other preemptive strikes must be considered on a case-by-case basis.

During the summer I will be more social. I've made various claims on here about what I wish to do, and I intend to stick by them. I'm looking forward to what I hope is going to to be an interesting, fun, and productive time.

Foreign

I want to scream and jump up and down due to stress and pain. Instead of doing that I'm eating cheese popcorn and watching Colbert, which is actually much more affective due to this conversation:

"I overheard your conversation with General Odinero..."-President Obama(yes, the actual president of the USA)
"Wait, you overheard? Are your spy satellites really that good?"-Colbert
"No, my ears are really that big."- Obama

I came out of this episode with increased respect for everyone.

One thing I noticed was that Colbert got a lot more applause than the general. Poor Colbert is obviously loosing his voice in Tuesday's episode, on which he interviewed an Arab-America
soldier who chose to go into combat after 9-11 because of his hatred of how Osama bin Laden affected the portrayal of Arabs in America.

My physical therapist did an act of kindness for me, which is the main reason I felt better for the rest of the day. I think she knew how much a difference she made.

Did Hugo Chavez mistake Coke Zero for the other kind? Or is he afraid that Coke causes spontaneous support for the US government and culture?

I wonder if people will have nostalgia for this era as a time when people could make a brand out of being an individual. It's a novel concept, yet we have not seen anyone use their fickle power in a constructive manner; it's all about the money, fame, and staying in the spotlight. I wonder if it would even be possible to market yourself as a brand without a certain type of personality? People will forget what truly took place in this era-people celebrated for excessive decadence, and heiresses dancing in clubs.

The guy who shot the guard at the holocaust museum was a WWII veteran and white supremacist? That is horribly disturbing to me. I can't imagine what it's like to feel these people hating and degrading your belief system and heritage for no good reason. This man would have hurt people I know and love, perhaps even hurt me.

I don't think I have ever felt discriminated against, except for the time an old lady shouted to our bus driver "Be careful, there's a terrorist on this bus!" before stepping off. In fact, it's usually the opposite-people tend to believe I'm smarter because I'm Indian or something. It honestly makes me feel very uncomfortable when things along this line come up, and I either launch into a rebuttal or sort of cringe and wait for an opportunity to escape. I've never felt like a minority, except when very flirtatious men call me exotic. Nobody ever treated me any differently in school. In fact, most of the time I get let in through security checkpoints without a second glance. I remember going into the Tower of London after shopping in a market square. I had two bags full of cheap books on my arms, but I don't think they even looked to confirm that was all there was in them. I just waltzed through security while my companion ahead of me was stopped. Also on that trip, one of my classmates, James, who is Korean, was mistaken for my father at the airport. That was priceless.

The only place which I have experience discrimination is Trinidad, but let's not talk about that here.

It makes me scared and hurt for my friends when something like this happens. It doesn't feel like the place I grew up in, even though I really grew up in a time when things were worse(and I'm still growing up). Stay away from my loved ones, hatred-mongers.

Waking up the Girl

I MUST HAVE THESE. Black Panthers used to be my favorite animal and still hold a competitive place.

I also want to see this film.
"In the film, a man's blow-up sex doll comes to life one day (as Bae Doo-na, the Korean actress, whom genre film fans will recognize from The Host and Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance.) She steps out, discovers the world, gets a job, and starts dating a video store clerk."

Here is a cool article written by a stay at home dad.

"As we step, or are forced, into the new roles that are presented to us, perhaps we should not lament, or vainly grasp at the responsibilities we feel we should have, but instead sack up and embrace the ones that are right in front of us.

At least that’s what I try to remind myself before I clean the bathroom and change the diaper genie."

In last night's dream I was in a play which turned into "reality". At first I was accused of being Anti-American because I said something criticizing an action of the US government. I remember coming home from rehearsals and talking to my next-door neighbor about how uncomfortable a dog playground our downstairs neighbor had bought made me feel because my window was now easily accessible from the ground for anyone somewhat agile. My neighbor, with whom I am in real life and in the dream on good terms with, snapped back that she thought I was being extremely rude, and I resolved to speak with my downstairs neighbors myself. Anyways, the play involved being in some sort of military project. The officer in charge, who's rank was never stated, despised me even though I was instrumental in the efforts of the troop. What I remember involved my being targeted as the culprit in some acts of vandalism to a brick terrace among other places, but though the rest of the troop objected to my conviction I was resolved to be thrown into disciplinary action and then jail to meet some rebels for unclear reasons. The troop, meanwhile, was captured by some rebels, but then a twist took place which made the officer-in-charge the actual villain. The troop actually sort of reminds me of the infantry in "Starship Troopers", come to think of it.

The next dream I had included my mom, dad, and imaginary relatives, one of whom was a female cousin whom I was excited to see. We went scuba-diving in a huge aquarium which reminded me of Mandalay Bay's exhibit and included a huge mechanical puffer and sting ray. For some reason I kept changing clothes, and I had a really dirty frilly blue undershirt and long, brown peasant skirt on with a knitted blue sweater. One of the imaginary male cousins criticized me for reasons I can't remember, but had something to do with changing clothes. Then the dream switched to a portrayal of an Iron-man type scientist who interacts with an undefined blob and gains the ability to transform into a blob himself. His assistant and best friend fears for his sanity, and finally finds him when he causes some bacteria to photophloresce(not sure if that's a word). I remember doubting the scientific validity of this plot point in the dream. The scientist is known as a brilliant but childish. He could, however, still conquer the city. He eventually accepts his assistant's help, and I end up at UCSD somehow, where there are a lot of parties taking place.

Title is a pun on Garbage-"Breaking up the Girl". Nope, has nothing to do with this entry.

Cacophony

On Jezebel, some people were discussing how much they hated Avril Lavigne's(sp?) video for her song "Girlfriend". I won't bother embedding it because the song is horrible and nobody here would most likely view the it anyways. I'm talking about it because I watched the video yesterday and it's still bothering me today. Basically, the song begins:

"I don't like your girlfriend
I think you need a new one
I could be your girlfriend..."

Profound, eh? But Avril is so very cruel throughout the entire video to the other girl. We see nothing particularly wrong with the girlfriend besides the fact that she's dressed preppily. She's nice to her boyfriend and has a wardrobe that deliberately makes her less pretty than Avril in the video, who's dressed like an average high school punk. Throughout the video, Avril is dancing against the guy, takes off his jacket, and finally pushes him into a bathroom stall. Avril also knocks his girlfriend on the head with a ball on a miniature golf course, which makes her fall into a pool of water. Seriously, if a guy still likes you after you do that to his girlfriend or almost anyone, he is probably kind of a douche. Also, the fact that he sort of encourages Avril's attentions while still being with his girlfriend? Douche.

Some people have problems with the word "homewrecker". For me, it depends on the circumstances. If a guy or a girl pursues someone who's in a relationship, he or she is one. Seriously, if the guy is a decent guy or the girl is a decent girl he or she would break up with his or her SO before getting together with you. If you're being selfish it may suck more than the alternative, but it's the right thing to do if you're trying to be monogamous. If you don't want to be monogamous, don't be in a monogamous relationship. Sometimes things just happen, though, and the other person turns out to be a much better match. I don't think there is any reason to shame anyone in that case. It kind of sucks for everyone involved.

If either you or your loved ones have to go through the heartbreak of a late abortion or you want to show an acquaintance the stark reality of the procedure or see it for yourself, visit the website "A Heartbreaking Choice". And believe me, the stories will completely break your heart.

I like this song, which is vaguely reminiscent of what would happen if you mixed Bjork and Delerium together and drugged the singer.



This song sounds has the same sort of energy and beat that VNV nation likes to utilize, though it's a bunch of women chanting. I've just come to realize that I have a pretty out-there taste in music. What do these guys and The Rolling Stones have in common?



PS I found out recently I really like The Rolling Stones.


This is in-between Siouxe and the Banshees and Bauhaus. Though the video made me crack up because it's so old school.



I have to check out all of these bands more.

Flight of the Conchords: "Bowie in Space"

"Receiving transmission from Bowie's nipple antennae."

I Miss You

"I don't think I can live
with this love, anymore.
I don't think I can take
another night.
And I know your beauty will haunt me when you're with
someone else,
but darling there's not enough left of me to divide
and if I swallow hard, I might not come undone
and you might no-ot see the way I feel...."
-The Bangkok Five, "Outlines of Us"

Please be warned before reading on, Chris, that the following entry is devoted completely to, well, you and the us that formerly existed. I won't ask you not to read, since I can stand you knowing how I feel.

The night I called Chris in Iowa, I knew it was the right thing to do. I had rehearsed the phone call in my head almost obsessively, but "I think it's a dealbreaker" still nearly didn't come out. I remember how calm he seemed. At the time it was almost maddening as I wasn't calm at all, but in retrospect it was probably the one of the best ways he could have handled things.

This Friday I give him back my engagement and wedding ring. These are gorgeous pieces of jewelry which I treasured. When we looked at those rings, it was a sign that, at the end of the day, we loved each other and everything was going to be okay. And honestly, it still breaks my heart to give them back, because a part of me really wants to be there for him at the end of the day, even though I was the one who said that I wouldn't be in the first place.

I don't regret what I did. I've reached a point, a point earned through a lot of pain, where passion will never lead me around by the nose again. I am in control, and no matter how much I care for someone I can make a rational decision with regards to him or her. We've both agreed multiple times that we will make better friends than ...engaged people. If we got back together, it would solve nothing. And in the short time we've been apart, I've already felt the positive affects of us breaking up.

I still really like him, because that's the way humans work, I guess? There is a reason we stayed together for three years. I also still think he's damn gorgeous. I know he'll probably think that I am just saying that, but it would make it easier if I didn't think he was. I miss his mischievous nature, our jokes, our references. I miss my cuddlebuddy. If only that was all that it took to make this work.

I don't know how people get divorced. Maybe that's exactly why some unhappy marriages stay together. Would ours have been an unhappy marriage? I don't think so, but it wouldn't have been the right one for either of us.

I'm at a strange point right now, letting go while developing real feelings for someone else. I'm trying not to dwell on them, as I don't know if they're returned, and I have a life to try and live. I can be single and very happy, and that's what I'm holding on to right now-independence.

But I still miss you, every day. I don't think it's romance at this point, I think it's the close friend who I'm not talking to. I'm afraid it could turn back into romance, so that can't be rectified at the moment.

I don't think you would know me anymore. Remember when you didn't see certain things coming? Like that. Or maybe it's just easier to think you don't. Probably it's a combination.

I don't come first anymore, you don't come first anymore, we don't come first anymore. Your opinion is just an opinion now, though I still respect you. And it's hard, but we live on to tell the tale and be there for each other to a lesser extent at a later date.

Deep

So here in sunny San Diego, I live in a studio.

Today I visited the pool to blow of some oh-God-finals steam. After nearly drowning myself a few times, I went to thaw out in the hot tub with another woman from my complex.

We started talking and she asked me how to go about finding a roommate. She then mentioned she lives in a two bedroom apartment, which was the original arrangement I was supposed to have been in with a roomate. I went to visit the place, which seemed nice enough even though it was no personal studio, and she gave me some cookies. She was a very nice, warm, and relaxed woman.

Bad Marisa really likes my studio, but Good Marisa really likes the notion of her parents retiring in style. So I phoned up my parents to tell them what I had discovered. To which my dad replied that he didn't really care about the money as much as me doing the best that I could. They may still meet the woman, who's name is Beatrice, when they visit here this Saturday. But yeah, don't I have awesome parents? That's basically why I'm telling this story.

Apparently, some people are fighting to keep non-Jewish people off the Brooklyn memorial. Because the lesson we learned from WWII is that discrimination is a good thing. I'm just going to run in the opposite direction from the madness now.

Going back to seriously reading the real news is one of my summer plans.

One of my licorice gouramis died today. This made me sad.

Here is a quote I am thinking about at the moment(I read this a long time ago, but have the book here):

"In order to make simple the great truths of Nature and the abstract principles of natural law, the vital forces of the universe were personified, becoming the gods and goddesses of the ancient mythologies. While the ignorant multitudes brought their offerings to the altars of Priapus and Pan...the wise recognized in these marble statues only symbolic concretions of great abstract truths."
-From The Secret Teachings of All Ages by Manly P. Hall

The reasons I wanted to discuss this here are twofold. The first is, of course, the intellectual beauty inherent in the statement, which is not captured here in full. Actually, I could go on all day in regards to this subject, so let's leave this here as less of a discussion and more of an observation.

However, the second reason I want to discuss this quote is less complementary. Chris and I used to have discussions about secret societies, and he stated vehemently that he would never join one. This quote, I think, personifies why, and a lot that is wrong with those that extol this sort of knowledge. Though, of course, going further along this vein, once could state that believing to know the truth is the root of most elitism. The rest of humanity cannot possibly comprehend, which is why they disbelieve.
I do think there are certain beneficial symbolic factors to keeping some things a secret. Though, Isreali Regardie published the teachings of The Golden Dawn, and how many people in the modern day still recognize the teachings of one of the more influential secret societies? No matter what the knowledge or wisdom, it is generally sought or catches attention to be truly absorbed. In this day and age, being published and available does not keep something from being a secret.
Anyways, I think that the mainstream would benefit from the acceptance that this branch of knowledge/wisdom/something actually is very relevant and not simply hokey-pokey nonsense(thanks Protestant and Industrial revolution!) and that humans in general are just a littttttle bit smarter than elitist snobs think.

"The Answer, My Friend.."

One of the things that I'm really looking forward to about getting rid of my chronic pain is the ability to read my body's signals. I used to be a bit hypocondriacish, which has gotten better. Here is an example of why I was, using the symptoms of a heart attack:

"The most common symptom of heart attack is chest pain or discomfort. Most heart attacks involve discomfort in the center of the chest that lasts for more than a few minutes or goes away and comes back. The discomfort can feel like uncomfortable pressure, squeezing, fullness, or pain. It can be mild or severe. Heart attack pain can sometimes feel like indigestion or heartburn."

I constantly a pressure in my chest that gets better or worse depending on the time of day, how my back is doing, and other myriads of factors.

Other common signs and symptoms that a person can have during a heart attack include:

• Upper body discomfort in one or both arms, the back, neck, jaw, or stomach
• Shortness of breath may often occur with or before chest discomfort
• Nausea (feeling sick to your stomach), vomiting, lightheadedness or fainting, or breaking out in a cold sweat

Minus the shortness of breath most of the time, we have what an average afternoon used to be like.

I know, I know, I'm whining, but it was hurting a lot yesterday. And honestly, I can't wait! I've been making tons of progress.

Apparently, women can get pregnant on their period.
"While a woman is unlikely to conceive during menstruation, "nothing, when it comes to pregnancy, is impossible," said Aaron Carroll of Indiana University and co-author of "Don't Swallow Your Gum: Myths, Half-truths and Outright Lies About Your Body and Health" (St. Martin's Griffin, 2009).

Once inside a woman, sperm can wait for an egg for up to a week. Ovulation can occur soon after, or even during, the bleeding phase of a woman's menstrual cycle, giving patient sperm the chance to get lucky. The timing method of birth control doesn't work well, Carroll said, agreeing that couples who practice it are often called: parents."

I'm making a vow today to stop fantasizing as much about certain things.

That reminds me of when I was a kid and I created a fantasy world with "evolutionarily sound" animals. It always got to me that fantasy creatures were seemingly based solely off graphic design and would generally not survive in a real world, because I was a weird kid who also loved silly putty, similar-to-silly-putty goop, and collected pens. Pokemon came out about the same time I was creating my this world in the USA, which annoyed me greatly because I was afraid that it would look as if I was ripping things off from them in creating my creatures, even though the two had nothing to do with each other. In middle school I had a fantasy that if I wrote down enough of the details from one of my other fantasy worlds, it would come to life. Heck, I still kind of wish that would happen.
Who am I kidding, I have billion-zillion fantasy worlds that I think I will start visiting more often.

In all honesty, though I never thought I would admit this "out loud", if I came across one of those portals to another world that exist in many a children's book I wouldn't feel that surprised, though my views on the metaphysical have expanded into something much more complex. Also, unless hypothetical fantasy worlds evolve, well, real mythology can be very freaky. You might be seeing some contradictions in my personality here. The short version is that it all works out in my head. Also, science is awesome, did you know?

I've been thinking about how an object is simply an object, separate from patterns that related to other objects and the word that describes it. I've also been thinking about cases where being a part of a pattern is part of an object's being. Maybe the Dhammapada is being absorbed into me by osmosis.

Genetics final tommorow. I have to stop staring at this photo, but it's so evocative and beautiful.

Photocredit:Stockxpert via Livescience via Jezebel

Title quotes Bob Dylan's song "Blowin' in the Wind"