This morning, things still feel surreal. Three years of thinking about "us" doesn't turn overnight into thinking about "me". I keep going over our fantasies, the way our wedding pictures were going to look, the imaginary house we built together. Fantasies don't always weather realities, though. A little part of me keeps speculating that perhaps we'll get back together in the future, but I know that's not true, or if it is it will be a long time from now, a time not even worth speculating about. I wouldn't say there is a torrent of memories, more like an organized trickle as things come forward one by one. I did genuinely believe we were going to be together forever. The concept that he is not standing right behind me is still alien.
I don't feel angry, although I may later. There is plenty to be angry about on both sides. At the moment I just feel sad, because I did cherish the time we had together. Part of me wants to fixate on the hurt, part of me wants to fixate on the good, and I'm retracing both side by side.
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